Lorraine (18years old) Malawian Girl with Severe Cardiomyopathy

Dear Friends, Family, and Donors,

Our youngest sister, Lorraine Matenda, was suddenly and recently diagnosed with cardiomyopathy with heart failure. Lorraine Matenda is a bright, intelligent, young, beautiful girl, with so much spirit her joy is infectious. She is a young woman who lets her faith in God carry her everyday. Lorraine would do whatever is in her power to help those in need.

She is in her final year of high school and recently finished an internship

with a law firm as she aspires to help others through law.

Currently she is in intensive care and needs all of our love and support.

It pains us to write this, as this brings to reality the gravity of the

situation she is in. When she started to get sick we did not understand the

full magnitude of her disease. Like most people you think a cough is just a cough, but in her case that cough gave way to this unimaginable disease that we are now praying she can overcome.

We ask each of you to help us in our time of need. We, the Matenda

children, are kindly seeking your assistance in saving the life of a

bright, kind hearted, spirited young Malawian girl. 

We are seeking funds to ensure that this sudden and complex illness of her heart can ensure that she receives proper treatment now and for future incurring costs which

includes the planning of a heart transplant as per recommendation of her doctor.

We thank you all in advance for your generous donations.

http://www.gofundme.com/LMheartfund?forcedesktop=1

http://www.cardiomyopathy.org/

Frustrations - About Authenticity

We come into this world alone and die alone - known fact 

Material ideas that surround us all, do not accompany us to our resting place 

Material items and achievements are all items we want to consume at times to unnatural norms and highs, that we end up forgetting about authenticity  

At our resting place significant people in our lives will be there; so we hope. They will or may adorn us with a few symbolic material items or talk about how successful we were 

Unless we achieved something great that connected us to the authentic state of being, all would have been forgotten about eventually 

In the now, and today :The meaningful things that matter and count are relationships

What we do and how we impact others to affect positive change., is what lasts forever  

A smile; a glance; a hello and good morning; how are you today?does not cost a thing 

Is there anything I can do to assist you today?- just stopping for a second and putting a halt to 'being busy'' will somehow positively impact on the other and possibly on self  

Acknowledging those in the caring and customer serving industry for all their best efforts: - for rescuing us from our clumsy and excessive  living,  does and can make a difference. For these individuals  at times are unrecognised and in not so highly paid professions. Moreover, they are at the forefront of dealing with the complexities of human beings/us on a daily basis 

Frustrations about life passing by without having made a positive effect yet on what it truly means to live an authentic life 

Good Morning and Happy Saturday:) 

written after an early morning jog xoxo -CFM 

A 22nd Century Kind of Love

What ever happened to sweet sixteen type of love? The type of love that promised forever. The excitement of tingling feelings and being swept off one 's feet due to being madly and intoxicatingly  in love 

Love: The deep emotional gut feeling of being unable to sleep, think, breath without the other 

The tingling sessions in the stomach, heart beating and echoing tunes of love 

The feelings of waking up/going to sleep to music of l'amour 

That type of love did exist at one point and has now become history to only be replaced with nostalgic memories. 

This love died to only be replaced with a different type of love. A 22nd century kind of love 

This kind of love of waiting by the landline rotary dial tone phone, or waiting for the love note to be delivered by a messenger does not exist anymore

The new love that now exists is the text and touch type, kind of like not love  

This like  is of the lazy kind, which consists of protecting ones soul from the emotional responsibility of the other 

This type of like has no type or form of traditional institutions and breaks all barriers of 'social norms,' 

Gone are the days of finding or being set up by a potential suitor,  why waste time when there is so many more virtual social platforms to tick yes or no to a potential someone. To then yet again easily reject, because the virtual profile  picture does not meet the instantaneous need.

Too short, too tall, too fat, too thin; the list could go on 

By ticking yes to your profile it means: lets forget about knowing each other really, or even better yet talking. Lets text a bit then meet in person. When we meet lets take a few seconds to check each other and decide within a seconds of meeting , you and I just not meant to be  

Lets pretend to chat just a bit, to be kind to each other for the sake of it, or for that much needed company for that one hour; because we have both been deprived of that contact 

Better yet lets a play, where one of us pursues what they want, which includes using you just for the sake of it, just because its all possible; as they are many other options. If I win the game and you fall for my tricks then it means you are not the one, only lets not be open about it 

When we leave lets forget we ever met, yet not ever communicate via text with each other anymore, for why would we want to waste time when the social virtual platform has so many and much more potentials or maybes to offer 

You not just the one for- therefore I have rescued my emotions by texting, meeting you for a minute, then crossing you out with a big cross like you never existed. Like you were a jig saw puzzle that didn't work that now needs to be replaced with another piece 

For you are too short, too tall, too fat, too thin; the list could go on 

Lets go back to the drawing board and start again, tick yes/no, maybe, text chat, meet in person, to only cross you yet another one out again 

Like not Love of the 22nd century kind ... Whatever happened to the type of love that promised and meant forever 

Unchain the Heavy Shackles

Heavy shackles chained around the ankles and dead weight carried voluntarily for many years. An easy habit to adapt and become a self-inflicted skilled expert. So easy it has been to no longer notice the impact of the shackles. An easy life of being the rescuer, supporter and everything without a seconds thought of the shackles. 

The shackles represent you, for I have carried you for so long without a second thought. 

I no longer wish to ignore you. I need to give you a second chance at life. 

You intrude my life once in a while, and transfix me into a dreamlike state. You appear in a ghost like state, dressed in a pink flowing dress and surrounded by a dark background. Your big protruding and saddened eyes glare at me intensely, whilst your whole being remains motionless.  Each time,  I refrain from engaging with you any minute longer for your intensity is too much to bear. I fear what caring and loving you would feel like and only imagine overwhelming feelings; so I shut you out from my world. 

I need to allow you to live and stop wounding you slowly. I want to enable a chance in life for you to actualise your dreams and goals. I want you to no longer be fearful of exposing you, who you are, or could become as a person only for the fear of judgement. 

I want you to realise that I only shut you away because I was too scared to look at you and to see you. I want you to know I never stopped loving you and do care very much for you and deeply love you. I want you to know we never parted and I have always been there.

 I want you to know that I have always loved you always, but could not bear to see your sad face. I never meant to suppress you, nor to keep you in the dark for a minute longer. I need to hear you and listen to what you want to achieve in life. I owe you and need to actualise your childhood crayon dreams -you scribbled with endless creatively to only be denied by me and hidden from the world for so long. 

I just realised it was so much easier to rescue others and not you. You were never in my dreams, I never ran back in my recurring nightmares to rescue you. I only had the strength to rescue others and not you. So I left you and trapped you in an endlessly realm of emotional disengagement. 

I have realised you would have been so much easier to rescue. I acknowledge now that you are so much easier to rescue even though initially I may not have the physical and emotional strength to carry you. 

 You are so much easier for me to rescue now, for you are only one person. I can rescue you, support you and encourage you. I now recognise you ad can just mange to look into your eyes a bit longer. 

How could  I have ignored you for so long? I do hope my actions from now will only show what you mean to me and that you will eventually forgive me. 

It has been easier for me not to actualise your goals and to be the rescuer or others at the expense of gradually losing the true you. I am ready to now embrace you entirely and to reach out to you; to pull you out from the darkness and into the light. You need to shine and smile endlessly again just as you did. 

How could I continue to ignore you, the person I should love the most in the world, for you are me after-all. 

The shackles around my ankles are now unchained and I am ready to experience free will with you, to love you, me and us again 

I am ready to walk hand in hand with you on the same path to our new journey of self-discovery

Write

My task for the next two weeks 

I have been asked to write

Write 

I am to write 

When asked to write, what does one write about? 

This task I have been told is meant to benefit me 

I meant to write 

A task I have been given to describe me; to consider me 

To write 

Write about the whys, who, what- the habitual habit I have become 

The task 

I am to discover possibly, the who in the I am and the what in the we and us 

I am to consider the rescuer, pleaser and protector in me 

The me in the us and the we, we have become, 

I am to consider my non-existence in the us and how things would be

I am to write

Winter has arrived and spring has yet sprung upon 

I am to write 

Write, where am I to begin? 

Little Angel

I feel you 

Now the winter has come, I know spring will soon come 

As spring comes around the corner, I begin to think of you 

A thought now and again crosses my mind and I wonder about you 

My angel your daddy dreamt about you before you were born

There he stood on a hot summers days in front of Italian shuttered windows and whispered in my ear 

He whispered lovingly about you, you my dear angel 

Once in a while, I think of what could have been 

 My tummy yearns for you once in while 

I often think about what a kick would have like; what a nudge of your feet pressing against my tummy would feel  

 You my little angel, I imagine you being a little boy 

Spring will soon come 

As spring arrives , I will once again begin to imagine you; oh little one looking up at me and reaching your little arms towards me - your words which I wish to hear, but can only imagine them;

Oh how I wish I could have held and heard you my little angel; 

I imagine you wearing a blue shirt and white shorts 

I imagine you my little angel with curly hair 

I imagine you my angel and what our world would have been like 

Little angel I feel you and continue to wonder ..... 

My Habibi

My habibi that's who you will always be to me 

Short lived loved it was my habibi 

A paradise we found without the need of building one 

We lived a dream many only dream about 

The love that was not at first site became everlasting 

I adored and admired you just as you obsessively loved me 

I cherished you in turn you  protected me from the world and from its demons 

The paradise sunlight shined upon us endlessly

Our relationship my habibi weathered all storms 

My habibi, little did we know the end was nigh  

Little did I know darkness would fall upon us and taint our eternal love; for your sunlight became no longer 

Your protection shielded my heart no longer 

Your admiration of me turned into toxicity 

Your toxic internal world began to unravel right in front of you and I 

Your physical being, once adorned and admired by me was replaced by a demon, you once protected me from;

Your physicality expressed itself in foreign tongues which could not be cured by exorcists 

Your loving words, which once warmed my hear turned to bitterness and churned my stomach. Each word you spat hit my aching heart and burnt like acid 

The storms which once belonged to nature no longer belonged to nature; instead you inhaled the storms and threw one hail stone at time towards my way

You, my shield were no longer, instead you gravitated toward a volcano, and enjoyed dragging me towards your burning lava   

My habibi that you were 

Now and again I cry a silent cry and think about what was and could have been 

My habibi for eternity we were meant to be 

Little did we know you .... 

I want you to miss ME

I want you to feel 

I want you to see 

I want you to know 

I want you understand 

I want you to feel, see, know and understand what it feels like 

Feelings of me and what it means to be me

What it means to let go off a loved and precious jewel  

What it feels like to no longer have a comforter or pacifier 

I want you to feel what it would be like

What it feels like to be unsupported and over powered

What it feels like to contain a million tears including yours without exploding 

What is feels to want to cry, but being unable to cry

What it feels like to want to run to someone, even you but not having anyone there to listen to you or hug you to sleep 

I want you to know what missing me feels like

What it means to be without me

What it means to call out for help and no one comes to support you 

What it means to finally call out for help and for you to not be there 

What it has meant to protect, sacrifice, shield you without a second thought or expectation of gratitude 

I want you to miss me, so you can see me, 

So you can understand what it means to be me

So you can eventually understand what it means to be me

I want you to miss me, so you can see me, know me, and feel me 

I want you to miss me 

Flip the Coin

Cleopatra crept into my mind 

Dressed she was in a long white dress and adorned in gold jewellery and sandals 

A statuesque slim and tall figure; filled with pride and self assurance

There she stood glaring at me through the hot summer shimmering sun

There she stood with her long jet black hair and piercing eyes motioning me towards her 

A Queen B born with will power, meant to be entitled and perceived an equal just as her male counterparts

Her surroundings castle and estate stood firm, pure white and spotless 

Yes an empire she possessed with a sense of pride and belonging 

There she stood glaring and wondering what had become of the world she once established 

What had become of her people the people she once knew to be a-dawned with selfless pride and bountiful characteristics meant to be kings and queens of their lands; 

 What had become of the fruitful world she once knew. What had she awoken to?  

I could hear her screams and her endlessness questioning; "for all the sacrifices I had to make, for you to only cast it all away. For all the blood, I had to sweat in order to pave the way for you. For all the empires and all the kings men, I had to over power in order to clear the thorny paths, so your feet could easily glide and follow my footsteps to greatness"

Her screams echoed and vibrated through the walls. "These walls,  these materials things all symbolise material things and some will perish, rust, crumble and never last'"

There she stood still with a sense of pride and determination ; Survival status of the fittest. 

" I paved the way so you could feel entitled and not feel like a second class citizen of this world. You were all meant to continue rising, beyond and above" 

I could visualise her,  feel her and her presence. I still see her as I write in my waking moments 

Cleopatra walked, graced the earth with pride, courage and self- determination. 

Over to you.... 

Yesterday

Yesterday I heard your voice

I heard you call my name 

Although you called my name only once it did not matter 

Your voice was so familiar, so much so it made by heart stop a beat

The sound of your voice, echoed a familiar tone which struck my heart into a surreal state of calmness 

At the sound of your voice,  my body froze from all movement, whilst my feet gravitated towards the pavement 

Sea breeze swept calmly across my face motioning me to turn towards your echoing voice only to stare into nothingness 

Your voice raised the hairs on the back of my neck- made me alert to the unimaginable world 

Stopped frozen and still to only see the sea waters float back and forth like a surrealist painter's  brush  stokes motioned into stillness 

Stillness and calmness

I  realised I would not hear your voice again 

This was the time - whether it be a second , minute to appreciate  an opportune moment. An opportune moment that I had heard you, your voice and you called my name out loud  

Wishful thinking and thoughts of wishing you were not only my imagination and that you were here forevermore. Never departed this earth 

Love you forever more dad 

CFM