Otherness

I am intrigued of being and existing with otherness.
Today, I felt a sense of fulfillment which came following a conversation with the other(s).

I embarked on conversations with four different types of people and they all bought some sense of enlightenment and fulfillment. Through social engagement with the otherness, a feeling of enlightenment enveloped; further leading to sense of belonging and security.

Prior to this I had spend three days in solitude, content in self-discovery. Now this form of engagement with otherness perplexed me; invaded me internally on another level.

It drew me to ponder about the distinction between being alone in solitude versus engagement with otherness. Conclusion, aloneness can only last for so long, before one starts to crave the other to validate the sense of being.

They- the other bought some level of joy within me and rewarded my psyche.

Life Challenges

Running out of creative options, during a period of financial strain.

Trying to hang onto life pursuits and goals at the same time challenged by lack of enough financial resources.

Rather than hide, am still trying to find the will to find alternatives to better my circumstances. It's as though being on never ending trial only with no witnesses; apart from me being a self made judge and my own persecutor.

More and more I am becoming to realise that managing or being burdened by finances can become an isolating situation. How many of us actually talk about our financial hardship in detail? How honest are we with ourselves and others?

Financial constraints can also create social exclusion. Most social meeting places nowadays involves meeting in a place where money needs to be spent. For what fun would meeting for a walk, without a beer or wine, meal to accompany the journey be in the long term?

Creativity right? You hear successful business people talk about how they were down on their luck and owing to pursuit and ambition overcame their struggles. Really? 

And the one I like the most, they achieved their stardom without or with minimal financial resources? Really?

I guess I am being cynical, hard to stay motivated, moreover to persevere when there are many obstacles.

Feeling trapped

At a cross roads of a possible life changing experience. Some aspects of this life changing experience is being driven by me, the other by economical factors.

I feel a sense of freedom and free will to be. There is a sense of heightened freedom which comes with diving into unknown and unfamiliar territory. Also anxious levels of excitement, when in environments that entice interests. I am fully awake in moments which stimulate my life's ambitions. I am in awe of people who have achieved what I could potentially achieve for myself.

I consider my successors position as no more unique than mine. For they do not hold some superior power or knowledge that dominates or impedes on what I could achieve. Their presence oozes confidence followed by the 'I can do & be' attitude.

So what stops me?

Frequent discussions with friends nowadays consists of our plagued generation which is financially thirsty and deprived. We have lived beyond our means and now cemented in minimal resources. It now become a game of the survival of the fittest, with no life pleasures. Gone are the days of being able to be financially spontaneous and in being selective one's professional gratification. One's survival now becomes mastering the trickery in the maze of overcoming economic obstacles.

Our generation of hard workers have now become pessimistic, to the person in the suit. The person who attempts to deliver a lovely speech, "I achieved my life ambition or business with no money." You can hear the pin drop, as much as the our generation wants to be optimistic there unified lost hope.

I am a generation trapped by its creativity dying to bust out of it's financial constraints in order to BE.

Struggling to achieve

I am being pushed to achieve, to be someone and make something tangible which has a lasting impact.
I am fighting with my existence and what it all means, especially with what my pursuits should be- in order for me to truly have lived.

I struggle or I am struggling with my own personal freedom away from others. Others have defined a comfort zone for me and the familiar. In immersing myself in otherness, the challenge and risks are minimal. My anxiety levels are contained.

While on the other hand breaking away in order to obtain free will and independence, that becomes a huge leap. My anxiety levels are heightened to the max. I become a pro at proscrastination; for I know to go at it alone involves risk.
Thoughts consists of-
can I do it alone and do it very well?
 Who will I have to refer to check if I am doing well?
Or there is too much work and it all seems too complicated.
There is never enough time to start.

So I exhaust myself in the labours of otherness. In that environment I am an effortless achiever.
While outside of that context, I am my own worst enemy. I do not achieve enough for me because that involves heightened anxiety levels. In reality these driving senses should be a positive path.

Heightened anxiety in the end means that I am actually living doesn't it? For to feel the true passion that kicks you in the stomach, with levels of fear and uncertainty is to truly live.

My battles continue.