MOTHER AFRICA How do you say goodbye to TATA MADIBA

How do you say goodbye when there is no one left to emulate Such a great force has departed from us today 15th December 2013 Who or whom can you even compare his nature and nurture to? He is gone and departed leaving a huge footprint The heart, my heart feels likes its been stung and prickled with a trillion needles The heart, my heart is filled with deep sorrow and sadness There is no way to compare the events of today He has departed with huge footprints to fill Although he rests in a peaceful place, will the world continue to be as peaceful? Will we learn from today and not yesterday,in order to shift towards becoming greater people We will continue to carry the torch he has passed onto to us, or will we let it fall? Will we feel courageous enough to keep going with the same magnitude? Will we be strong enough to continue to carry his strong force? Will we continue to be passionate enough to learn from today, in oder to succeed and become his successors in life? Will we be generous enough to stop still and realise, we do not need to look for another person to emulate, because we already had that person? Will we understand what he has instilled in us, to be able to achieve greater good? Will we feel comfortable to just be watchers and none active participants in our own discourse in life, as well as in our communities? Can we MOTHER AFRICA take a moment to stand still, feel the stillness of our hearts, and feel the deep deep sorrow? Now MOTHER AFRICA with all that you have felt look outward and beyond yourselves and recognise the OTHER By recognising the OTHER can you, we, us become one? Can we the people stop just being the ME & I and become a WE & US for the greater good Feel him deep down in the core of heart in order to shift the YOU, into the WE & US There is no one else who needs to be or do for us, we need to do for ourselves There is no need to be looking for others in order to do and become greater MOTHER AFRICA please do not drop the torch he has handed to US today. Yesterday is gone, today matters the most, tomorrow does not exist MOTHER AFRICA, hold his torch with all your might and do not let it falter, or waiver for generations to come MOTHER AFRICA recognise you need not to look to anyone, for you already had him and still have him in your souls to SHIFT THE WORLD MOTHER AFRICA, we your children are responsible for becoming greater from today MOTHER AFRICA although our TATA MADIBA has departed our earth today, his soul remains with us eternally and forever. Lets not let his vision, love for his people-US die

MADIBA YOUR LIGHT WILL SHINE FOREVER

When a man dies the first thing we want to do is talk about him We want people to know and understand how good the man was We talk and talk, and tell stories of the man. The man lived so he could pave the way for us. Let's not prolong the talking for too long and do just as he did As much as he would like us to talk and remember him endlessly- he would want us to do Now just imagine if we became just like him for the greater good Now just imagine if we emulated him He lived so he could pave the way In death he would only be smiling, if we stood up and did something to achieve greater good Now imagine if we turned the world upside down and did something to achieve an equilibrium Imagine doing good for the better & greater good He valued things we at times take for granted- in Freedom he wanted to enable access to education, food, clean water, better health and shelter He legacy needs to remain- I found myself becoming angry and saddened by what the world has lost The only way we can continue his legacy is by demonstrating that we can continue to achieve greatness in the best interest of humanity - In his death we can learn to be better human beings. Today I cry for the fact that we still have a long way to go and have yet to achieve an equilibrium level of goodness We have yet to reach a stage where all human beings are entitled freedom of basic needs which we at times take for granted such as food, clean water, shelter and medication. And better yet the freedom to achieve an education to enable people to achieve goodness for themselves, their families and communities Today I cry for we sat for so many years and did not choose or try to emulate the life of a good example Today I cry about how we talk about how a great man he was. What an extraordinary sight it is to see us reaching out in various forms -in communities and in various social media forums Today I cry and wonder how long we will continue to talk about how great a man he was, by playing over and over videos of him, by sharing images of him, and splashing them on various social media platforms The day I stop crying and start dancing will be when we start doing and continue his legacy to achieve greater good for human kind The day I stop crying will be when every person has the freedom and access to basic human needs The day I stop crying will be when greed becomes history and corruption becomes a myth which once excited The day I stop crying will be when youth in Africa are entitled their civil liberties to become greater leaders The day I stop crying will be when older and traditional politicians drop their pride and embrace, cherish and value their own people The day I stop crying will be when a girl child is valued as a human being and encouraged to focus on being a child and her education The day I stop crying will be when girls bodies are respected, cherished and worshipped and not abused in any shape of form through cultural rituals or forced marriages The day I stop crying will be when poverty becomes zero and none existent, then and only then will a family not feel the need to sacrifice their own in order to survive and not die from starvation The day I stop crying will be when politicians realise that their own people are of value and stop being greedy at the cost of their own people The final day I will stop crying and start dancing non stop will be when Nelson Mandela's legacy has been actualised by every human being on earth How great would it be to know that his life was worth living and his freedom was sacrificed in the end to achieve goodness How great would it be for Madiba now departed to have achieved the aftermath of goodness through us The day I will dance forever is when we have learnt the basic lessons of humanity and achieved goodness. Wouldn't it be great if we achieved the basic lessons we repeatedly continue to fail. Wouldn't it be great to ultimately achieve an equilibrium of goodness for the greater good of humankind by each and everyone of us taking ownership in a good cause The day I will dance forever, will be when I see it and hear it -MADIBA RIP forever loved, your light will shine forever

Chatting with My Gilfriend.........Paul Walker (R.I.P.)

It is clear to me for the first time. I have been stuck and running from something for a long time. The only person and thing I have been running from is me and only me. There is nothing else and no one else in this world that can achieve and make things come true for me but only me. I went walking in London yesterday, Satuarday 30th November 2013; and got lost in the world of the rich and richer. I walked into a street which did not symbolise me, and a world which appeared so out of reach. I felt as though I was an intruder into a life that was not mine. I walked by kids that symbolised wealth and felt not wealthly and felt as though they could look through me. I felt as though I may not be ‘good enough.’ I felt as though I was not entitled. It seemed like a life so far out of reach from me, a world which would never belong to me. At the same time I wondered whether I would want or desire this world to belong to me? Would I want to belong to this world, where material things cost an extraordinary amount? For me its about obtaining a freedom in life, where I do not have to feel or regret being or doing. I am at a point where I have reached the peak of lifes frustrations. I am frustrated by what is far out of reach, yet so close to me and in reach. I am the non active participant in my own life. Instead I have opted for assuming, consuming and admiring in others what could be my life. I am envious for what many have worked tones of hours and sacrificed for. I wish for the easy way into life; for my life to change for the fact that I want it to change. Why should it not change, for me? I feel entitled for it to change willingly with me being a non active participant in it. I admire the doers for they do, I admire them for the ‘freedom,’ they have obtained. So today, Paul Walker (Actor and Director) passed away. We were informed for some of us, who didn’t know that he had a fifteen year old daughter. You start to think and ponder what life means, and what a tragic loss it is; for someone so young to have died in such a tragic way. You start to evaluate life and what it all means. Ironically he died, as though a script was written in advance of how his life would pan out. Not only was he an actor of the same tragic fate that would take his life; that being race cars. Who in the world would have determined his discourse of life would end so tragically? The only difference is that he lived. Or one can assume he lived and pursued what he wanted in life, destined or not destined to. My friend and I want chatted today about, and concluded what we wanted at this stage of our lives.We have seen it and learnt from it (them-men) and decided where our head space is now (in the here and now). We have been schooled in the mastery of what men want at some level. They have spelled it out to us, a million of times whilst we have been in some of transitional relationships. We redefined what heard and wanted to hear and made the excuses, so that we could rationalise in our own heads that it was okay. It was okay, because we were not in the appropriate head space. At the end of it all, we concluded we are at the stage of where flings have become meaningless, where a males ego about what they need without giving a second thought of communicating commitment to the other has become meaningless. We have become skilled at deciphering the messages in the subtle tones of men to know what it is they really want; and to hear it loud and clear. When you reach that stage you begin to understand what is of value in life. What is of value is you and what you ultimately want in a relationship and being able to define 'IT,' and spell it out to the other. Life is too short for playing along for the sake of playing along and to please just of the sake of pleasing. Life is about being true to what one wants in life and in a partner. Life is too short to be playing games, of cat and mouse. Life is too expensive to make it too cheap at the sake of fulfilling a cheap thrill only to come down from it. In the end we concluded, WE ARE IMPORTANT. So in being important, we can define that we do not need to dress up to show up, in order to be spotted as an easy way in. We do not need to spell, out what we want in order to get what we want. A man who is ready to commit will commit, they will know and understand what is important to a woman they are ready to commit to. They will not take for granted what they have and value it as gold, that no longer needs to be a treasure, cause IT (SHE) has already been found. We have learned today by the tragic loss of a beautiful boy- young man, a treasured soul that life is too beautiful and too bountiful to take it for granted. May your soul rest in peace beautiful soul and thanks for showing up and gracing us with your presence – Paul Walker "http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-25173331">

Je me suis réveillé avec le soleil

I woke up with the sun this morning and I run. I chose to wake up even though part of me felt comforted by my blanket I run till I felt revived I felt the air in my lungs I felt my heart pump itself with newness I felt my feet and my legs will me towards the unknown I felt calm and willing to let go I excelled towards the better me Towards the me that embraces the awakening of each day I knew I was running in the right direction I had chosen the path to me and excelled with all my will towards me My competitor was me and no one else Now I am sat facing the calm seas listening to French music a song with the words "Love Life" is playing in the background très vrai, la vie amoureuse I do love life as it is at this precise moment I have no control over what happens later What matters is what I am doing now, and the next steps I choose to take Je ne pourrai jamais y arriver, mais l'important est que je me suis réveillé aujourd'hui

I never knew I was lost until I got Suited, Kitted and Booted

I never knew I was lost until I got Suited, kitted and booted It's only when my feet hit the pavement and aimed towards the discourse of my life that I realised all paths and routes led back to me I realised there was no easy option or shortcut of getting there, and there was no end in the horizon What lay in the horizon would always be me, and there was no end to me in the horizon . Instead, there were multiple layers of me ahead forever evolving As my feet hit the pavement, I realised each route and footstep led back towards me and had always I realised every footstep I took counted for each step of what my life and I could become I never knew I was lost until I got suited, kitted and booted My awakening only counted when I chose to get up and do something My life accounted because I did something It was not about me completing the route. It was about me running towards my better half All along I have been running towards me and who I could be I set the timer on my phone, only the timer was not a count for what I could ultimately achieve. The timer counted for each step I took towards making better life choices for me Today is going to be a good day because I woke up; got suited, booted and kitted, and run towards me Now which path will you choose or take?

Blossom in My Stomach

I let you blossom and grow in my womb I held you for as long as could 

At times you kicked to come out sooner than later I carried you with all my might till the lasting moments 

I knew eventually you would be introduced to the world I tried to hang onto you for as long as I 
I could

 I even changed my dress sense in order to make room for you and ensure you were safe 

I wore pink and flat shoes just for you, and to ensure you were safe I made sure you were surrounded by beautiful and loving people, so you could arrive into a peaceful world

I imagined the day you would come 

I dreaded the day I had to release you into our world 

 Now you are here and have been here for a while


 As we sit facing each other, I sit stilled by the world thinking, - 'hard to believe I once carried you in my womb ' for you have become my best friend

I SEE YOU

I visualise you, like it was yesterday I see you cradled in a child's pose, on a hot summers day You are knotted to the point I have no will power to untangle you As you look at me, in the now I still feel helpless You look at me with dead eyes and look through me There is no inner echoes of a cry for help You are entombed in your own world so deep you are lost You sit facing the sun, yet the sun does not shine on you or reflect a vision of you You radiate cold darkness I stand before you like a stranger My warmth and love for you does not radiate any spark; for you are lost in a world of darkness I stand before you and in front of you Only wishing you could see what I see in you And wishing you could feel and visualise what I feel for you Blood unites us, yet darkness has taken you away from me I see you still curled up, knotted up when I talk to you now on the present & no longer in the past, I am reminded that you are still her ( the you I see and visualise) I am reminded that you have created an imaginary world for yourself in order to cope with the realities of life All I wish is for you to untangle yourself I wish to imagine you no longer curled up or tangled up I wish for your laughter to represent a soul of truthfulness, for you remain emotionless even today I wish for you to know that feeling yet again would not shutter your world; it would only reunite you with yourself and let you live again I see you

Words for a Tombstone

How do You Summarise Words for a tombstone? How do you summarise a life? How do you minimise words into something meaningful and everlasting? How do you deal with the final encrypted words - never be to erased again How do you know the words written, encrypted and never to be erased again are sufficient? How do you summarise a life? How do you even start this process? Do I even want to start this process? By starting to scribble something, it symbolises yet another goodbye How does one even choose if a tombstone is the right one? Do I even want to choose, or would it be easier for someone else to do it? How does one process the final sealing of the grave? That in itself means, yet another goodbye and a further distance, a concealment and containment of our love Would I even want to be an active participant in this process, for I feel that even though this is yet another goodbye. For there are still more processes to come, of saying more goodbyes. Would I ever be ready to re-visit your grave site after the first time? Would I even want to? For I feel even though I saw you laid there in multi-layers of soil, that place does not symbolise you I feel you and see you, therefore you are everywhere.

Pumped with Adrenaline

Sometimes I am pumped with adrenaline, like this moment Just stopped in the middle the promenade whilst walking, on my way home Stood facing the ocean with the breeze of the ocean blowing gently in my face and hair. I am reminded of how sea is the best of nature; calm and wild at the same time. It's roaring presence has made me standstill to the traffic of my life. Listening to the radio, a song with the chorus, "my mind is like a jungle" is playing in the background. The repetitive words in the chorus, has made me stand still. How authentic is this moment and descriptive of my current mind frame A senior citizen in glasses with a wind braker coat, just walked towards me, through me and past me. Felt him looking straight at me through his dark sunglasses.Felt him creep into my unsettled and heightened soul Words to describe my current state: calm externally, anxious and heightened inside. Tracing back my steps to this morning. I woke up early and ready to go, ready to start the day early So I did and my day till now has been on the go till the end, but it's only early evening my social life will take its own precedence soon My working day consisted of reading a report on the train Followed by proof reading various reports , analysing data etc..... On the go, had to be on the go Then followed by a few interruptions by "office people," asking questions or further clarification on certain matters I responded and provided the correct answers, but I was not immersed in their word fully. I wanted them to hasten their story straight to the point, so I could get on with it. For I was busy- my computer screen display and desk clutter said it all. Plus my opening sentence with a smile- followed by I am in the middle of finalising a report, and a few more hints during the conversation. all these subtle hints should have been sufficient right? Nope they carried on with their 'complex issues' which I needed to solve immediately then and and there. For their world too was heightened and I fitted in their jigsaw of fixing it-so they felt inclined to tell me their issues in detail Then a few emails popped up with additional alerts of other "office people'" needing and wanting my immediate attention, and yes on a Friday. In the midst of it all, I completed tasks outlined in my calendar turned goals from Red to Green: and felt a sense of achievement. Yes to me Then I proceeded to drawing circles of processes and structures. Ideas kept flooding in and unraveled right before me during a meeting. Yes to me again genius, moment right? Winding back to an earlier time. This meeting entailed getting on the train again, me eating during the few minutes I had on this journey. Then onto me trying to switch off the professional world; by scanning through personal emails. Then back to scanning through paper work in preparation for the next meeting End result of the meeting, great. Yes to me, yet again. Mind you these yes moments do not come very often, usually caught in fire fighting processes Now I am left still feeling high on energy and heightened (3 cups of coffee may not have helped) I am left feeling I do not want to just be an ideas person, only now I have to apply the models I drew and make them come to life, and not flush my ideas down the idealess world I am left feeling like an achiever for the day. I exerted myself to the max and prioritised accordingly and blocked out the office traffic. Made the point I need to get on with it Now can I exert the same CAN DO spirit in my personal life, this evening or days to come????? Watch this space First of all, i must acknowledge i stopped my life and wrote this script. That's a start, right? An older lady just walked towards me, through and past me. Her piercing eyes cut straight through me and into my heart. I felt her look through me and chills crept through to my spine. I am reminded yet again by looking at her, how life is so precious Moral of this story, I lived the day as though every second mattered and achieved and saw end results. At the end of the day, I feel as though I lived fully Now I just need to apply the same consistent model and energy to my personal life, after all professional jobs do come to an end and someone can replace me easily I need to achieve personal goals that bring personal rewards and success Those who walked towards me, through me and past me, I connected with you for a reason. You reminded me of my soul, of how life is precious and prompted me to stop, to take a second and reflect back to me through your eyes ...…

4 Young Men

For the past couple of weeks, your steps have become closer and closer. Now you walk behind, beside and in front of me I feel you physically and emotionally prompting me and urging me We are in a speechless dialogue Our bloodlines bounds us to eternity I want to echo my emotions externally- but I am paralysed and my tongue is bound. I am stuck motionless Yet something else moves me It's the feeling It's the sensation of the closeness It's the seeing That only draws me much closer to you -... 4 young men There is a playful and cheeky nature to two of you that makes me laugh out loud as I walk to work You the third young man continuously laughs, as your piercing dimples protrude . I am yet again forced to smile as I walk down the street, and laugh with a fitting childhood giggle You the forth young man, attempts to be serious, yet at the same time can't be serious for long I am reminded of your boyish charm and tricks you boasted about during our childhood years Lately you all have walked every footstep I've walked You have followed me and reminded me every time I took a step forward that you were there and ever more present Days and now weeks have gone by Everyday starts the same I want to verbalise what I feel but my tongue is tied Yet I feel you, I visualise your presence I feel you nudging me, promoting me to wake up to you, and your presence, and your reason for being I feel your words and emotions without the need for interpretation I see you I walk with you, as you walk with me I am humbled and chilled, so much so to cause goose pimples to prick through my arms; for I have become astute to your presence You have prompted me to write this script The first prompt consisted of you urging me to no end- you willed me to write and visualise the following: (named people) ........ plus - I LOVE YOU ALL You prompted me again and again to visualise and write - the words I LOVE YOU ALL. I failed yet again to undertake this task on your behalf. Days went by and have gone by..... You still continue to urge me to the fact that you are ever more present than ever and need me to translate a message Now I fall to your will, for I love you ever more plus infinity By undertaking this task, I feel your presence may fade away. For my greed has guided me all the way to hold onto you for as long as I could. By undertaking this task, I am undertaking a great leap of faith You 4 young men are of a great force You have willed me to write and translate this dialogue into something tangible So what next Fred? Mike? Titi? and Edward? Will you continue to walk closely beside, behind and in front of me?

The Day will Come

The day will come when he looks for who to ask for permission The day will come when he finally asks the all important question and I say yes The day will come when I finally walk down the isle The day will come when the audience poses for that special speech The day will come when the DJ stops the music, and nearly announces time for a father and daughter dance The day will come when the song "Dance with my Father Again," is played by the DJ The day will come when the due day is due for the first grandchild The day will come when the grandchild takes their first step The days will come and will pass with many celebrations also filled with a huge void The day will come when I will tell my children about you The day will come when I'll hopefully tell my grandchildren about you The day will come when, I hear your laughter, see your smile, your mannerism in your grandchildren The day will come perhaps when I will be grateful for your existence and never feel cheated that you left this world too soon The day has come when I can truly say this world is not the same without you in it The day has come when I can say love you for life plus infinity The day will come

Now I know why 'Fat Obese' People Exist

I am one of them, or 'classed,' as fat by society I am not about excuses about my being, all I know is that I woke up "fat"one day I class fat as being unable to fit in my clothes I fell asleep and woke to a similar personality but woke up to a different person physically You ask how? .... I must have known right, that my body was changing? Quiet the contrary. Nope I didn't zero, nada, nothing, no clue How could I? For I was me, and remained me, even though bits of my personality changed along the way. Moreover, people around me had not changed their reaction towards me All was well in the world right? Not exactly Some countries would classify weight gain as a status and symbolism of wealth Now in the "Western World," I would be classified as obese by appearance and by the GP's scale Or boy do I wish to be immersed in some Indian or African cultures, or better yet ancient Western culture, when being fat symbolised wealth. Pretty sure I would be adorned and admired Point to this story I have awoken to another me I stood in the mirror all the while and never noticed any change, for I was looking at me Today, I stand in the mirror and all of the sudden do not recognise the body in front of me, or how I got this big ( again my own definition) My clothes no longer fit me I no longer like how I look in the mirror I have insight to the fact that for the past year I lay still and did nothing Nothing else in life mattered Today I matter, so does the body I've morphed in Moral of the story do not judge a book by its cover, there is always a story behind each face

Fighting My Way Back To You

Remember the many late nights into early morning hours we spent in swanky London Town? Painting the town red we would say Off course we were classy and chose the upmarket members night clubs, just because we could Life was about turning up to show up and for some of us, it was about turning up to show off It was all too easy then to wear stiletto healed shoes without a nights worry It was so easy then to wear mini skirts and tight fitting clothes with so much confidence Lets not forget the low cut tops and spaghetti tops that left a little to the imagination. But wait we were classy right? Remember going up escalators and people admiring our long legs including our classy night attire? Remember being twirled around on the dance by a gorgeous French Model, and dancing to the early of the morning? Remember being the centre of attention when we walked into the room and feeling like celebs only for that night? Moreover feeling like the external world could wait until we partied away I remember it all now. Hence the reason of fighting my way back to you I am fighting back and running towards the re-invention of me I am fighting to get you back- my eternal body ( fighting to get back those once gorgeous legs, arms, and stomach back to the surface and to be seem by the world once again) Watch this space: )

My Number has not Changed

My number has not changed Days, Weeks, now Months have passed My number has not changed; only my circumstance has changed You used to dial my number on a daily basis and we would spend hours chatting endlessly about everything and nothing Silences were not awkward, now the long silences and disconnect has become awkward We used to be close, closer at times than our own blood lines My number has not changed; I am still here and now realise your number no longer reflects on mu missed calls list. I have awoken to a phenomenon Even though my number has not changed, I believe you have changed or perhaps I have awoken to the true you I recall a significant moment in your life when I rang you. I was there for you. I listened to your heart breaking story and comforted you until your heart appeased When my heartbreaking moment arrived, guess what-you did not call My number had not changed only you were no longer there, you still are not here Your call never came neither did I feel the urge to reach out, so you could appease my heart as I had yours My number has not changed; our relationship has - as we are no longer best friends

I ASPIRE TO BE YOU

Your strength symbolises many things I aspire to be Your demeanour tells so much more Your stature represents histories unspoken, yet spoken by your ancestors through you You tower over, as Masai's would You skin is olive and smooth; youthful I am reminded everyday of your discipline and respect you give to mind, body, and soul I admire you for your mind Your words alone remind me there is so much more meaning to life and remind me to be thankful of what i have, have had You ease my anxieties when the world becomes complex You remind me. I am and can be free to express myself My words feel safe to flow for I know you will be there to catch me and rescue me with your words of wisdom Oh how I admire your etiquette and approach to life You dedicate yourself to life I am reminded that with you, possibilities in life become actual possibilities and not passing times Your eyes to adventure have opened me up to escapism and free will to be spontaneous and just to be me I am free to pick and pack myself and go to different environments, free to immerse myself in difference, Free and liberated to wake up in a new country without the fear to explore You and you only and your ancestry of being in exisitence, & our blood line has made this possible. The possible and the potential and the actual is ME Therefore I love you more, plus infinity

I DIED LAST YEAR

For the past year I have been in the company of a great force I am not sure whether to call this force a friend or faux I have been tranpolined into a future which is not of my choosing I have been dragged with my feet dug deep in the ground, into a world which is not mine I never imagined infantilisation could occur to me, as an adult or that it existed The world I once knew in seconds was taken away from me, without my permission There I stood in the front living room, as the news circulated of a tragic event. As soon as I was exposed to the news, the world I once knew circled in a twister like shape away from me I was dazed and trapped in present time, as I watched it (my world) twirl away from me My body was transfixed, for I had no will. I had no will in me to hang onto this present world I watched it go. Even if I had chosen to hang onto it, it would have had no meaning and would be meaningless I crept through a dreamlike world Not sure whether I liked it or not I didn't question it Althought it was sunny it looked and felt bitter I felt cheated, I felt at least in this dreamlike world I could hide and become invisible Invisible I become so easily I embraced the dark force My blanket and curtains represented my new world Darkness became a friend to me My sofa cradled and rocked me to sleep The TV played junk tunes full of laughter and sorrow. These tunes, sounds and noises in the background became my lullaby and pacifier Tissues became a way for me to expel and cleanse a little of the darkness away; so that I had breathing space and a dose of reality once in a while Darkness embraced me I mated and lay with it day in, day out I did not wish it away I chose to be lost in this world I, I did want to feel this present world or the love in it I wanted to feel deep sorrow beyond my control The deeper I got, I feared it not, rather I embraced it I wanted the torture to remain For how could I live in a world which resembled happiness My happiness had been taken away from me in seconds In a second I had lost all choice, No one came at my door to ask for my permission Why or why would I Willingly be happy for my happiness to be stolen from me So yes, HELL yes I embraced you, my dark force-GRIEF

Mr Grey Where Are You.......???

“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.” ― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey I am on the 5th or 6th book of 50 Shades of Grey type of book It has become an unexpected venture, a road not travelled before. Nor a world known to exist before. There is something in it, about me. the I , the woman in me wanting this powerful man to exist out there. For the time being delving in realms of surrealist literary romantic heroes seems to do the trick If only multiple male type of Mr Grey's existed right? And one crossed paths with them on the street as a daily added dose of pleasure Mr Grey more than the sexualisation of it all is about the man, the beast: ) The man who knows himself and is confident The man who is not a time waster and knows what he wants in life The man knows how to respect and treat a woman The books' had to written for a reason, we 'ladies' are in the search for a driven man, well determined and a sexualised man I am a driven career woman who works too darn hard for time wastage. So yes a man who could sweep me off my feet will do thank you, should be an easy task right? I can only imagine Mr Greys existence. More than the sexualisation of it all, its about being pampered as a lady should be It's about the creativity of the man, more that his net-worth Does money matter, yes on some level it does. It matters on the level that the man is able to actualise his dreams Moreover he is able to actualise being there for the other (me). It matters on the level that the man comes with some level of class and is able to deliver and supersedes the etiquette levels of being in life Yes it matters, and as much as I want to a career driven woman, I want to be taken care off and adored and adorned by man I am assured that Mr Grey may be not a perfect man and has his faults, yet on another level there is the assurance that I will be well looked after Ah, how I dream of that strong powerful image minus the arrogance thank you It's not about the Chelsea or Mayfair status. It's about being educated to a higher degree including the hard knocks of life to a higher status of being a key driver in life. That in itself is sexy So I continue to search for Mr Grey in a surrealist painted picture If you exist do give me a call. Only before you give me a call, do bear in mind that I am not built like barbie and will never be Bear in mind that I too have a mind and a level of intellect Bear in mind that I work hard and earn a living Bear in mind that I am unique and come with great qualities, starting off with my personality Bear in mind when you have truly discovered me, I will be yours for life I will be true and honest and treat you life a king you deserve to be and you will reciprocate by treating me like a Queen I deserve to be Bear in mind that just because I am an achiever in life that does not make it easy for you to relax and not pamper me, or take care of me Lastly bear in mind that I may just be an alternative version you Mr Grey. Mrs Grey "with 50 Shades of Wonderfulness"

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black So broad your stature Self determination expressed in your faultless latitude Statuesque like Cleopatra A world ahead stretched and expressed by your outstretched arm Balanced on your tippy toes, reaching out to the world yet unknown Known for owning a beauty and talent yet unshelled Unknown to her, her stage faltered and shuttered to no ends beyond her control But yet still she continued to love with all her angelic might and spirit Yes she loved with absurdness beyond her control Little did she know the more she loved, her ballerina world could no longer hung on Her feet with all her might and angst dug deep into the dark bruised dirty world Her dress no longer pink became blackened by the dirty and cruel bedevilled world Her hands scrapped and bled unwillingly letting go off purity, as she sunk deep beyond her control Her life and love for dance got lost and became soulless entrenched in the darkness of life Little did she know she had the choice and willing-fullness to exert herself beyond it all, to still be HER Yes she still could be SELF after falling deep into darkness She still had control to not let "HERSELF", the "I" go Her ballerina shoes could still help her tip toe out of darkness Ballerina girl I echoed beyond the darkness; "Your feet can still move, so let your foot prints pave their way back into life Scrape through and beyond those cold cobbled streets and dance again Ballerina girl dance like you still have control and Exert yourself for your presence to be known yet again Stretch those long arms and spin with force beyond your control Ballerina girl spin and spin back into "your" and "our" world again I see YOU once more again Ballerina girl dressed in pink" . . . no longer blackened and darkened by despair

TEAR DroPs - Another Awakening Moment

Every tear drop becomes valuable

Valuable as gold

It's only takes one second, to awaken to reality until the floods gates open

It only takes one person to say ......."I am waiting for a man who is loveable and friendly as my father to come into my life"

The moment her words ended my reality sunk in- it sunk in deep & cut deep into the bloody core

Realism kicks in, to what is no longer

A love, a memory so vivid

A smile, a laugh so vivid it cuts deep to the core

If only yesterday could be today

Wait a minute, "Dance with my father AGAIN replays yet again, & over and over in my mind like a broken record" 

My mind is dazed

My throat cuts deep 

Alas I have been released by a ladies wish to meet a man like her father;

A father like you 

Little does she know she has released explosive endless flood gates, endless like the river Nile or as you and me envisioned it like Lake Malawi 

At last my tears are free to flow, my emotions are free

As joyous as the freedom is to be able to shed a tear and freely cry; I am reminded yet again of reality

Reality is unreal, surrealism is vivid & a comfort

Snapped back into reality- DAMN

Why or why does it hurt so much

Perhaps this is the freedom I was waiting for all along? ? 

Thanks to Merlot & the lady for my latest awakening moment , I only wish it was not so bitter sweet

Only wish my dream realty remained surreal and realty stayed away

Again thanks to Merlot 3 glasses full thank you, DAMN you, for awakening me

And lady so jealous, for what you wish for in a father is still alive

And I, I am only am left to dream of what could be

Your smile, YES your smile: ) assures me of the reasons for. And reminds me of the reasons why existence is even more so meaningful.

I am reminded without you there would be no me

Oh boy reality has sunk in- this floetry is because of you. My creativity although skewed is because of you

Therefore love you more 

For your existence has allowed for this fluid floetry 

You took me everywhere with you from childhood because you wished for me to know you. Now I am intertwined & so deeply woven in you, so much so I can't rip you off neither would I want to. Now what

I have your eyes, your vision

You and only you can translate the imagery I see of your architectural designs

Surrealism right?

You excited for a reason

That' reason I will actualise through your vision & artistry 

DAMN now I know why you drunk so much 

Creativity is a mind trap 

Like the cancer you once alerted me to

I now see you vividly seating in your your golden thrown

Laughing out loud at once that some lady has let my flood gates open

I see you laughing hysterically, and tapping periodically at your golden chair

You are elated that I have let go & let emotions flood in

DAMN 

Love You Dad Forever more- R.I.P. 

Sent from my iPhone

Moments of Awakening (Dream vs Reality)

"Freud once pointed out that the people who break under the strain of too great success do so because they can endure it only in imagination, not in reality." There are days when it dawns on me that I have awoken to myself yet again. In those moments I am spirited to pursuance of life and my existence in it. I embrace who, I am and who I can be. Moreover acknowledge vividly and without fail how to actualise my full potential. I grasp onto the ideal and my imagination runs wild. Now if I was a painter or a creative artist of some sort, illustrations of all these vivid imaginative thoughts would flow fluidly in seconds and you would be dazzled in amazement. Unfortunately, more than often my failings demonstrate themselves in my inability to actualise my potential. So I continue and linger on with the rest of society. I choose to continue to live in automatic pilot. I watch others mostly TV characters (e.g. directors and artists) and admire their potential and ability to actualise their dreams into some form of reality. My highest skill is being a dreamer and an imaginative creator only in the mind. My reality qualities lay in achieving and climbing up the career ladder. I give more than 100% percent to a professional cause, which pays for my livelihood and nothing beyond greater depth of personal rewards. I am astute to identifying what my skills are, especially analytical skills. The challenge continues on, accompanied with toxic ground hog days. I wake up and excel in the professional arena and utilise my resources until I have minimal capacity for self investment. During downtime, I have nothing remaining or the same level of will to excel myself to achieve just for me. I revert back to the dreamer in me, and dream of a beautiful life and what I could achieve. Now if I dreamt in tangile pictures; you would be amazed at my super capabilities. The me in reality is full of excuses for the reason I could not be the real me. The excuses role out much easier than the doing. Moments of awakening at the most and on a good day last for a full day. That full day could count as a full days labour. If you inspected what I had actually achieved you could quantify only my dreams. In reality my dreams would add no value to me or you without the actualisation. So my question lies what stops me; excluding the toxic excuses? Nothing but only me. The reality is that, what I actually dream I may not want. Or perhaps fear itself stops me; the fear of what I could actually be. I have become accustomed to being a victim of social injustice. Its not about not having any money to invest in actualising a dream. It's more about being accoustomed to being a commodity to a social system consisting of automated robots built to maneuver a repetitive labour conveyor belt with no rewards to self. I imagine the brave self jumping off the belt of labour multiple times. The independent me, in my imagniary world dreams of becoming independent of this automated conveyor labour belt. The rebel in me, imagines walking in the opposite direction of the 9-5 labourers; moreover tap dancing my way out of the social norms and routines. The utlimate freedom of letting go off the social and capital nomalisation, demonstrates itself in being able to wake up everyday enjoying and loving self actualisation. Its about having the flexibility to produce a living without being chained to social norms. When I dream, I certaintly do not dream about sitting at desk, typing away to no end of self reward. There is a rebel in me waiting to explode and ready to unleash myself. My inner voice and dreamy imagination has reached its peak. The painful reality is living everyday with the inner will screaming at you, every sec, every min,every hour and so on. There is only so much mind dumbing a person can take well me, as my mind is forever screaming away. "Wake up you fool, and do something before its too late." Wait for it, the me in reality has a response to this- yet another excuse. "Whats the point anyway, if I die there would be no point of having worked hard anyway." Time to actualise my potential right? The debate continues with me (reality) and me (internal beautiful creature you).

Looking for a Millionaire

Woke up one day and realised an upgrade to millionaire status was a necessity. The words looking for a millionaire sprung out at me and sparkled like diamonds. I felt a jolt of meaning and possibilities in life. To many these words represent monetary value. For me, looking for a millionaire respresents Raison d'être Being or finding a millionaire represents what my life should be. I am of value and need to be valued. I realised that I needed to credit myself and acknowledge my journey of hard graft. Moreover, I needed to be more astute to not just settling with someone because they quoted the right versus, and struck a few emotional cords. I realised that I am entitled to be treated like a Queen- like Cleopatra. It dawned on me that I could choose my social environment which mirrored what I had lost. I thought of all my past auditions into schools of diplomacy and social etiquetage. Those environments had once made me, but along the way I rebelled and got lost in needing to be miss independent at no holds bar. I ran from "the expected course" in life to only be lost in daily norms with no extraordinary monentary gains. In that monement, I realised the long venture of being miss independent and rebel (with some cause) was no longer single handedly sustainable. As much as I wanted to continue on this venture the social climate of "recession" would not allow for or pay for such a cause. The tune of Miss Independent was slowly fading away in the background slowly being depleted by economic hardships. Years ago my mission and quest to address social causes on a vehicle that modelled Mother Teresa tendencies paid for itself. It felt good to work for social causes without being inflicted with financial penalties. Now the reality is not so much so the case. I among others are in a socially induced coma dripped by doses of daily news broadcast of the big bad recession. Looking for a millionaire represents an escape from a trap of social normality and numbness. Its about connecting to fully living and wading through adverse economic and social conditions. In finding a millionaire, there is some level of pampering and freedom to maximising potential. It is about acknowledging that one can no longer go at IT (making a living) alone in life. There is also a need to be rescued by a Knight - who represents what a million looks and feels like. The Knight - Mr Independent would be grounded in Nelson Mandela tendencies. A Diamond Prince immersed in wealth of niceties for social causes and not wrapped in materialism. A charming character who values the qualities of family life. My suiter would need to know that I am built of natural qualities and not suited or inclined to model in the steps of barbie. There is a need to see the world- through the eyes of a millionaire. The qualities would encompass embracing difference and learning from otherness. The eyes of a millionaire would be astute and in tune with social causes. Capturing this essence would only extend to enhancing life further. There is a need in me to take a break from social norms of daily routine and enter into unknown realms of true existence. Perhaps also a rush of mid thirties crisis for the need to actualise existence now rather later. There is some level of greed and feeling of entitlement that these qualities are needed. I am humble enough in life to not take it all for granted. Its about aquiring a level where some of my mother Teresa and Cleopatra tendencies interwine to enable me to maximise my potential, only this time around with another. All in all looking for a millionaire is about refining my abilities and recognising that I cannot go at IT alone. Its about you- the Millionaire in you- the person (Knight) and person(s)-(Social Circles), that match extradionary tendencies to achieve BEING.

My True Blood

Understand what you experience at the moment cannot be translated into fluid literature. The world will have to wait for your manuscript, for within it there is so much context and layers to unravel. Your dialogue is still too raw for the world to understand. The world and its many charactures already have a well rehearsed script. Yours is a dialect infused with complexity and too early to automatically turn into a well reharesed dialogue, which others can transcribe. Your life experiences pararell a diverse and extraodinary discourse. Your verses need to be pealed one layer at a time, in order to be transcribed. Peel them all at once then your dialogue would become incomprehensible even for you to disect Through sensations of intense feeling you at times become lost in your own complex dialect. You are one with a magnitude of force in emotional intellect; for you allow yourself to feel.

Life is a Dress Rehersal

Wake up, dress up, make up, consume, digest, disect. Until you wake up, dress up, make up, consume, digest, disect again and again Life is a dress rehersal on automatic pilot with no inner turbulence to infuse a lasting awakening spark. One stands up in order to be counted. Shows up in social circles in order to be counted and be recognised as an entity. Presents to an audience a like of thyself, but not a true representation of self all in aid of social participation and conformity. Life labours become an automic vehicle immersed in daily repertoire.

Comatose to the World

Universal dialogue has been dispersed elsewhere Lost in a complex and dark discourse The vessel is on automatic pilot There is a numbness in perception, feeling and muteness in vocal cords Transfixed in unclassified territory Daily routines discarded for the pickings of rats Dreamlike state has become mutual company Meaning shelved in the archive of life scriptures Emotions twist and switch between mutiple penetrations of nothingness Invisible in social existence without any penalties Otherness has become extinct in ones eyes

Comatose to the World

Not sure how to describe the feeling. Its like being back at square one of being bereaved, only this time there is a deadness to it. There is a loss of self plus the added factor of coping with social functionality. Thoughts of life being taken for granted due to social formality.There is no freedom in loss.There is a uniformity of continuum which is viewed as a norm, but supersedes the norm. Social factors and life form has developed into a realm of no leeway. There is no room to expel the most surreal and unnatural experience. If there was, there would be more meaning and appreciation to life and the meaning of it all For instance, a loved one who forms most of our lives and interwines into every cell of the other in an instant dies. Their moments in life versus their death; in death social norms allow for the dead to be forgotten in days or months, which does not equate to the amount of years they lived. If there was meaning in life, social norms would allow for the bereaved to grief as part of a cathartic experience with no time limits. Experiencing bereavement is within itself a phenomena. Only that this phenomena is not embraced. Its observed and seen by the non exposed but not internalised. There is an expectation to recognise and respect the bereaved but with time limits. Anything beyond the expected time limit by society is verging on 'madness'. There is some level of 'madness' in that sense in society. How is it normal to allow for no prolonged bereavement process? How can meaning of life exist if it can only be forgotten due to social functioning? Social functioning is the need to keep the revolving wheel going, in a robotic society. The person (the bereaved) who is experiencing this phenonmena is expected to heal and move on. All in aid of social robotism. The 'madness' in this form of social functioning is that the doing (e.g. working) at the end of the day is meaningless when one is dead. So when society is very much alive wouldn't it be more beneficial to experience with the other and acknowledge the dead for as long as they lived? For their life had to have some meaning (especially as the spent their life 'doing') all in the name of social functioning.