I DIED LAST YEAR

For the past year I have been in the company of a great force I am not sure whether to call this force a friend or faux I have been tranpolined into a future which is not of my choosing I have been dragged with my feet dug deep in the ground, into a world which is not mine I never imagined infantilisation could occur to me, as an adult or that it existed The world I once knew in seconds was taken away from me, without my permission There I stood in the front living room, as the news circulated of a tragic event. As soon as I was exposed to the news, the world I once knew circled in a twister like shape away from me I was dazed and trapped in present time, as I watched it (my world) twirl away from me My body was transfixed, for I had no will. I had no will in me to hang onto this present world I watched it go. Even if I had chosen to hang onto it, it would have had no meaning and would be meaningless I crept through a dreamlike world Not sure whether I liked it or not I didn't question it Althought it was sunny it looked and felt bitter I felt cheated, I felt at least in this dreamlike world I could hide and become invisible Invisible I become so easily I embraced the dark force My blanket and curtains represented my new world Darkness became a friend to me My sofa cradled and rocked me to sleep The TV played junk tunes full of laughter and sorrow. These tunes, sounds and noises in the background became my lullaby and pacifier Tissues became a way for me to expel and cleanse a little of the darkness away; so that I had breathing space and a dose of reality once in a while Darkness embraced me I mated and lay with it day in, day out I did not wish it away I chose to be lost in this world I, I did want to feel this present world or the love in it I wanted to feel deep sorrow beyond my control The deeper I got, I feared it not, rather I embraced it I wanted the torture to remain For how could I live in a world which resembled happiness My happiness had been taken away from me in seconds In a second I had lost all choice, No one came at my door to ask for my permission Why or why would I Willingly be happy for my happiness to be stolen from me So yes, HELL yes I embraced you, my dark force-GRIEF