Struggling to achieve

I am being pushed to achieve, to be someone and make something tangible which has a lasting impact.
I am fighting with my existence and what it all means, especially with what my pursuits should be- in order for me to truly have lived.

I struggle or I am struggling with my own personal freedom away from others. Others have defined a comfort zone for me and the familiar. In immersing myself in otherness, the challenge and risks are minimal. My anxiety levels are contained.

While on the other hand breaking away in order to obtain free will and independence, that becomes a huge leap. My anxiety levels are heightened to the max. I become a pro at proscrastination; for I know to go at it alone involves risk.
Thoughts consists of-
can I do it alone and do it very well?
 Who will I have to refer to check if I am doing well?
Or there is too much work and it all seems too complicated.
There is never enough time to start.

So I exhaust myself in the labours of otherness. In that environment I am an effortless achiever.
While outside of that context, I am my own worst enemy. I do not achieve enough for me because that involves heightened anxiety levels. In reality these driving senses should be a positive path.

Heightened anxiety in the end means that I am actually living doesn't it? For to feel the true passion that kicks you in the stomach, with levels of fear and uncertainty is to truly live.

My battles continue.