Death of a loved one comes with so many regrets. It's those moments which will never be shared again, or one wishes could be shared. There is no ultimate satisfaction in death, the result concludes with an endless wish list- of if only and I wish.
Today I received condolence message;to a factor I was oblivious to and not part of an equation to until this point. As I stood at the train station platform; I read the message on my social website page- RIP. Initially, I read the message with dis-engagement, as though it was a message for someone else, or this tragic incident had afflicted someone else. I stood there trying to accept every self knowing decision chosen up to this point. For it was I who made the choice on the level of social engagement with the now deceased person.
Up this point the person was alive and there was plenty of time to engage with them.
What right did I have now to cry and weep?
I should be content right?
For I had fulfilled my choices in the level of contact with this beloved person- who now had died?
Stood there thinking, I am not entitled to cry for a time lost. I had made decisions which eventually would lead up to this point.
My day surpassed through a roller coster of surreal moments, feelings of denial, to flashing images and finally explosive crushing pain.
In the end it turns out mistaken identity the condolences were meant for someone else.. What a cruel and intense awakening to self.
So I now have enough time, to make wiser choices with full ownership on the level of personal engagement. It's as though this crushing wave of emotions was an awakening. I have been given a second change to make the right choices with no hopefully no regrets.
The pain that came with this level of awakening is undescribable.
Does death come with selfishness/self-gratitude? For one starts to think, if only I;I wish;I had. The focus becomes more on self rather than the deceased. So is death an actualisation of our own self satisfaction in the end?
A wish to fulfill things which will never be achieved. It is because in death, we have no free will, as it's been taken away beyond our control? The wish list after death becomes much longer.
So what about when the person we so loved was or is alive, what stops us from fulfilling this wish list?
Why is it much easier in death to create a long wish list?
What stops us from making the right choices on our level of social engagement?
Time is in our hands, yet we choose to stop time when we have all the given opportunities. What we take for granted is time and our choices. We become lazy in the comfort and belief of an endless life.
Afterall we have all the time in the world right?
Today, I've woken up with two awakenings.
- First, I have been given a second chance to rebuild a relationship which I thought was lost to death.
- Second- nature's phenomenon of earthquakes & hurricanes this week, has woken me up to a heightened level, which nudges me deeply and says 'value the time you've got, for time is limited.'
If we valued life 100%- death would not be filled with regrets. Rather we would become united with the deceased, in knowing we lived jointly through proactive & affective choices of full engagement. For each day we lived would be an ultimate day, with the thought that the person (loved one), may not be here to tomorrow.
I am still trying to actualise this heightened level of parting with death on a high conscious level of full ownership prior to death. Of knowing we are only passer bys. So if I lived a fulfilled life with a loved one, will I reach a level of pleasure- in knowing we both lived?
Love life, rejoice in death knowing that you both lived as should have.
Although the time is ours to maneuver it can be easily taken away in a second.
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