I SEE YOU

I visualise you, like it was yesterday I see you cradled in a child's pose, on a hot summers day You are knotted to the point I have no will power to untangle you As you look at me, in the now I still feel helpless You look at me with dead eyes and look through me There is no inner echoes of a cry for help You are entombed in your own world so deep you are lost You sit facing the sun, yet the sun does not shine on you or reflect a vision of you You radiate cold darkness I stand before you like a stranger My warmth and love for you does not radiate any spark; for you are lost in a world of darkness I stand before you and in front of you Only wishing you could see what I see in you And wishing you could feel and visualise what I feel for you Blood unites us, yet darkness has taken you away from me I see you still curled up, knotted up when I talk to you now on the present & no longer in the past, I am reminded that you are still her ( the you I see and visualise) I am reminded that you have created an imaginary world for yourself in order to cope with the realities of life All I wish is for you to untangle yourself I wish to imagine you no longer curled up or tangled up I wish for your laughter to represent a soul of truthfulness, for you remain emotionless even today I wish for you to know that feeling yet again would not shutter your world; it would only reunite you with yourself and let you live again I see you

Words for a Tombstone

How do You Summarise Words for a tombstone? How do you summarise a life? How do you minimise words into something meaningful and everlasting? How do you deal with the final encrypted words - never be to erased again How do you know the words written, encrypted and never to be erased again are sufficient? How do you summarise a life? How do you even start this process? Do I even want to start this process? By starting to scribble something, it symbolises yet another goodbye How does one even choose if a tombstone is the right one? Do I even want to choose, or would it be easier for someone else to do it? How does one process the final sealing of the grave? That in itself means, yet another goodbye and a further distance, a concealment and containment of our love Would I even want to be an active participant in this process, for I feel that even though this is yet another goodbye. For there are still more processes to come, of saying more goodbyes. Would I ever be ready to re-visit your grave site after the first time? Would I even want to? For I feel even though I saw you laid there in multi-layers of soil, that place does not symbolise you I feel you and see you, therefore you are everywhere.

Pumped with Adrenaline

Sometimes I am pumped with adrenaline, like this moment Just stopped in the middle the promenade whilst walking, on my way home Stood facing the ocean with the breeze of the ocean blowing gently in my face and hair. I am reminded of how sea is the best of nature; calm and wild at the same time. It's roaring presence has made me standstill to the traffic of my life. Listening to the radio, a song with the chorus, "my mind is like a jungle" is playing in the background. The repetitive words in the chorus, has made me stand still. How authentic is this moment and descriptive of my current mind frame A senior citizen in glasses with a wind braker coat, just walked towards me, through me and past me. Felt him looking straight at me through his dark sunglasses.Felt him creep into my unsettled and heightened soul Words to describe my current state: calm externally, anxious and heightened inside. Tracing back my steps to this morning. I woke up early and ready to go, ready to start the day early So I did and my day till now has been on the go till the end, but it's only early evening my social life will take its own precedence soon My working day consisted of reading a report on the train Followed by proof reading various reports , analysing data etc..... On the go, had to be on the go Then followed by a few interruptions by "office people," asking questions or further clarification on certain matters I responded and provided the correct answers, but I was not immersed in their word fully. I wanted them to hasten their story straight to the point, so I could get on with it. For I was busy- my computer screen display and desk clutter said it all. Plus my opening sentence with a smile- followed by I am in the middle of finalising a report, and a few more hints during the conversation. all these subtle hints should have been sufficient right? Nope they carried on with their 'complex issues' which I needed to solve immediately then and and there. For their world too was heightened and I fitted in their jigsaw of fixing it-so they felt inclined to tell me their issues in detail Then a few emails popped up with additional alerts of other "office people'" needing and wanting my immediate attention, and yes on a Friday. In the midst of it all, I completed tasks outlined in my calendar turned goals from Red to Green: and felt a sense of achievement. Yes to me Then I proceeded to drawing circles of processes and structures. Ideas kept flooding in and unraveled right before me during a meeting. Yes to me again genius, moment right? Winding back to an earlier time. This meeting entailed getting on the train again, me eating during the few minutes I had on this journey. Then onto me trying to switch off the professional world; by scanning through personal emails. Then back to scanning through paper work in preparation for the next meeting End result of the meeting, great. Yes to me, yet again. Mind you these yes moments do not come very often, usually caught in fire fighting processes Now I am left still feeling high on energy and heightened (3 cups of coffee may not have helped) I am left feeling I do not want to just be an ideas person, only now I have to apply the models I drew and make them come to life, and not flush my ideas down the idealess world I am left feeling like an achiever for the day. I exerted myself to the max and prioritised accordingly and blocked out the office traffic. Made the point I need to get on with it Now can I exert the same CAN DO spirit in my personal life, this evening or days to come????? Watch this space First of all, i must acknowledge i stopped my life and wrote this script. That's a start, right? An older lady just walked towards me, through and past me. Her piercing eyes cut straight through me and into my heart. I felt her look through me and chills crept through to my spine. I am reminded yet again by looking at her, how life is so precious Moral of this story, I lived the day as though every second mattered and achieved and saw end results. At the end of the day, I feel as though I lived fully Now I just need to apply the same consistent model and energy to my personal life, after all professional jobs do come to an end and someone can replace me easily I need to achieve personal goals that bring personal rewards and success Those who walked towards me, through me and past me, I connected with you for a reason. You reminded me of my soul, of how life is precious and prompted me to stop, to take a second and reflect back to me through your eyes ...…

4 Young Men

For the past couple of weeks, your steps have become closer and closer. Now you walk behind, beside and in front of me I feel you physically and emotionally prompting me and urging me We are in a speechless dialogue Our bloodlines bounds us to eternity I want to echo my emotions externally- but I am paralysed and my tongue is bound. I am stuck motionless Yet something else moves me It's the feeling It's the sensation of the closeness It's the seeing That only draws me much closer to you -... 4 young men There is a playful and cheeky nature to two of you that makes me laugh out loud as I walk to work You the third young man continuously laughs, as your piercing dimples protrude . I am yet again forced to smile as I walk down the street, and laugh with a fitting childhood giggle You the forth young man, attempts to be serious, yet at the same time can't be serious for long I am reminded of your boyish charm and tricks you boasted about during our childhood years Lately you all have walked every footstep I've walked You have followed me and reminded me every time I took a step forward that you were there and ever more present Days and now weeks have gone by Everyday starts the same I want to verbalise what I feel but my tongue is tied Yet I feel you, I visualise your presence I feel you nudging me, promoting me to wake up to you, and your presence, and your reason for being I feel your words and emotions without the need for interpretation I see you I walk with you, as you walk with me I am humbled and chilled, so much so to cause goose pimples to prick through my arms; for I have become astute to your presence You have prompted me to write this script The first prompt consisted of you urging me to no end- you willed me to write and visualise the following: (named people) ........ plus - I LOVE YOU ALL You prompted me again and again to visualise and write - the words I LOVE YOU ALL. I failed yet again to undertake this task on your behalf. Days went by and have gone by..... You still continue to urge me to the fact that you are ever more present than ever and need me to translate a message Now I fall to your will, for I love you ever more plus infinity By undertaking this task, I feel your presence may fade away. For my greed has guided me all the way to hold onto you for as long as I could. By undertaking this task, I am undertaking a great leap of faith You 4 young men are of a great force You have willed me to write and translate this dialogue into something tangible So what next Fred? Mike? Titi? and Edward? Will you continue to walk closely beside, behind and in front of me?

The Day will Come

The day will come when he looks for who to ask for permission The day will come when he finally asks the all important question and I say yes The day will come when I finally walk down the isle The day will come when the audience poses for that special speech The day will come when the DJ stops the music, and nearly announces time for a father and daughter dance The day will come when the song "Dance with my Father Again," is played by the DJ The day will come when the due day is due for the first grandchild The day will come when the grandchild takes their first step The days will come and will pass with many celebrations also filled with a huge void The day will come when I will tell my children about you The day will come when I'll hopefully tell my grandchildren about you The day will come when, I hear your laughter, see your smile, your mannerism in your grandchildren The day will come perhaps when I will be grateful for your existence and never feel cheated that you left this world too soon The day has come when I can truly say this world is not the same without you in it The day has come when I can say love you for life plus infinity The day will come

Now I know why 'Fat Obese' People Exist

I am one of them, or 'classed,' as fat by society I am not about excuses about my being, all I know is that I woke up "fat"one day I class fat as being unable to fit in my clothes I fell asleep and woke to a similar personality but woke up to a different person physically You ask how? .... I must have known right, that my body was changing? Quiet the contrary. Nope I didn't zero, nada, nothing, no clue How could I? For I was me, and remained me, even though bits of my personality changed along the way. Moreover, people around me had not changed their reaction towards me All was well in the world right? Not exactly Some countries would classify weight gain as a status and symbolism of wealth Now in the "Western World," I would be classified as obese by appearance and by the GP's scale Or boy do I wish to be immersed in some Indian or African cultures, or better yet ancient Western culture, when being fat symbolised wealth. Pretty sure I would be adorned and admired Point to this story I have awoken to another me I stood in the mirror all the while and never noticed any change, for I was looking at me Today, I stand in the mirror and all of the sudden do not recognise the body in front of me, or how I got this big ( again my own definition) My clothes no longer fit me I no longer like how I look in the mirror I have insight to the fact that for the past year I lay still and did nothing Nothing else in life mattered Today I matter, so does the body I've morphed in Moral of the story do not judge a book by its cover, there is always a story behind each face

Fighting My Way Back To You

Remember the many late nights into early morning hours we spent in swanky London Town? Painting the town red we would say Off course we were classy and chose the upmarket members night clubs, just because we could Life was about turning up to show up and for some of us, it was about turning up to show off It was all too easy then to wear stiletto healed shoes without a nights worry It was so easy then to wear mini skirts and tight fitting clothes with so much confidence Lets not forget the low cut tops and spaghetti tops that left a little to the imagination. But wait we were classy right? Remember going up escalators and people admiring our long legs including our classy night attire? Remember being twirled around on the dance by a gorgeous French Model, and dancing to the early of the morning? Remember being the centre of attention when we walked into the room and feeling like celebs only for that night? Moreover feeling like the external world could wait until we partied away I remember it all now. Hence the reason of fighting my way back to you I am fighting back and running towards the re-invention of me I am fighting to get you back- my eternal body ( fighting to get back those once gorgeous legs, arms, and stomach back to the surface and to be seem by the world once again) Watch this space: )