She Laid There Still

She Laid there Still   

She laid there still knowing this was the last goodbye

She laid thinking this is the last time ever, to hear their echoing voices 

She laid thinking how fearful she had been all along

She laid there thinking she no longer feared it 

She laid still as she heard their voices and footsteps disappear in the background for the last time 

She laid there knowing, what they didn't know 

She laid there all alone for hours, minutes, seconds; while she fought for everything 

She laid there all alone, perhaps wondering, or not wondering at all about what it meant to finally let go 

She laid there alone fighting, fighting for each and every breath 

She laid there thinking and knowing it would be her last day 

She laid in fear thinking; I do not want to go, I am not ready to go 

She lay there thinking if only and if I could, or had 

She lay knowing it was time to let go 

She lay there thinking, how sad it was to let go, but also freeing at the same time to let go

She laid thinking it was time to finally join her maker 

She laid thinking this is it, "I no longer have fight in me."

She laid please they were not there for her last hours, minutes, seconds; "for it is better for them not to see me go."

She laid there thinking I will always love them eternally 

She laid with ease and knew her time had come 

She laid still finally without thinking and let go until she fell into internal sleep 

She laid there still, until they came 

She laid there only still, only this time she could not hear their cries and loving words 

She lay there, she lay there still 

By CFM_310315

"Touched and Twitched a Raw Nerve, without a Stake Knife"

Touched and Twitched a Raw Nerve without a stake knife

Forgive this floetry, for I don’t write to correct any mistakes, I write to just let it flow ( so no grammar, spelling or review) let’s just let it flow and be imperfect just for a second; need to write it all down to rationalise what the f… sake has happened

Frustrated, at the bullshit factor …………………..

It is not the death itself that is hard

It is the bullshit that comes along with it all after a dearly loved soul has passed

It is the bullshit and nonsense that does not allow the breathing space to actually consider that one needs to breathe and have space to grieve for someone meaningful

It is the carelessness in the human nature of what it means to the other to lose something so meaningful

It is the absurdity of it all that a life once very meaningful becomes worthless in the aftermath by the other

The bullshit is the bureaucracy the paper punching, the administrative tasks that need to be done, in the duty of closing a case

The bullshit is losing meaning in what a human soul means and the value becoming the paper exercise and administrative task in place of a human life

The bullshit becomes eagle and the sense of entitlement by those in powerful positions, or those who feel they have two cents or dimes to drop into something that doesn’t really involve them

It is the absurd concept of man/woman feeling the sense of entitlement over something that wasn’t theirs to begin with; but the crazy thing in all of this is what they are fighting for is not, ‘the deceased human being,’ for each has a stake in what they feel, 'is owed to them of all a sudden.'

I call these things the bullshit people, the shift shaper’s for they didn't really care, they had an end result, no matter what the stake. They had a duty to ensure they got what they wanted in the end, regardless if you became the victim of their cause along their way

No matter the fact that they dressed up in an angel suit to win your heart. For they can easily change into devil suits which come bearing the gift of, 'let's stab you deep to wound your soul even deeper' 

It is the bull shifters at the end of the day, who hug you and kiss you and let you know all will be okay, and the second your back is turned stab you in back

 The bull shifters are the one’s who during pre-crisis moments, ‘ pretend to care,’ and the moment something critical happens no longer exist or cease any meaningful contact  

 It is the bullshit that takes over the factor of forgetting that a human life, has been lost which had meaning, had a soul and did actually have a true existence in this world

 It is the blatant arrogance and the ego, ‘the I deserve to be entitled and who gives a f… that someone has passed away.’  and the transparent back stabbing, which take place without shame nor guilt after your loved one has deceased their existence from this so called world

 It is the professionals dressed in disguise (white or blue print  uniforms, or a fancy suit who pretend to care all the same way, like a dress rehearsal of etiquette- all in the name of procedures), who have their own ultimate outcome- that is to achieve whatever means they can to get what is “owned to them, the organisation” no matter what the cost

 Forget the fact they comforted you, or befriended you, they have a means to an end; that is stamp duty; to complete a process which demonstrates their task is done

 You after all are a case that needs to be closed for good, one less case off the desk   

 Forget the fact that a human entity existed

It is the bullshit of it all that is frustrating, painstakingly hurtful and painful

It is the bureaucracy that takes the human factor of it all out of the human nature

Forget the fact that you could be impacted and go through the experience of losing someone

Forget the fact that you actually do care

 At the end of the day, a nurse may dress up in a costume, a hospital manager may wear their best tie for the day, a finance manager may present their spreadsheet well for the day; filled with I am entitled

 At the end of the day, no matter how friendly, compassionate any person you encounter along the way, they have a job to do

 Their task is to ensure they have crossed their ‘T’s correctly, adhered to their policies and procedures and punched the right corners to ensure at the end of the day that they have completed the job, ‘their job.’

It is a job at the end of the day, you are a number

 Do not consider just because that person is being empathetic or cordial that they at the end have your best interest at heart. In the end everyone has got a job to do in order to be paid, or to reach a result

 It is not the loss or losing that is difficult

 It is the bullshit of it all it all, the bureaucracy that takes all the human factor out of compassion, out of caring or being empathetic enough; to actually stop for one minute to consider that a LIFE INDEED ONCE EXISTED AND NOW IS DEAD

 The effect or impact of FEELING LOSS only happens when one is placed in the same particular position, and actually feels the impact of what it feels like to be listed as a number, to experience what it feels like not to be important

 To experience what it feels like, to just be another number on someone else’s’ register (that is no longer your ticking box), which needs to be closed soon enough and guess what you do not have a say or control over

 It is the bullshit of it that distracts enabling those who have lost to actually experience in peace what it means to actually lose someone

 It is the nonsense and bullshit that gets into the way; with a sense of I feel entitled to claim ownership now the person who is now DEAD.

 All I have to say to that is, I am f…….. and who do you think you are? Last time I checked you bled and felt just like me, us another human being

 Do not expect that the same bullshit that is happening to me won’t happen to you.

 Don’t expect for one second that I expect the same ill shit that you put upon me.

 Let’s not get our wires crossed

 No matter the bureaucracy and the hole punching process, what makes me different in this whole bullshit process is that I DO FEEL and DO NOT PRETEND TO FEEL

 Lets stop pretending for one second that you actually care that the person, I actually love meant one single thing to you. Let’s just stop, AND STOP THE BULLSHIT

 Let just stop completely for more than a second

After all you have a job to do- so let’s cut out the bullshit-

In the end, in LIFE there is meaning, in DEATH there is no meaning

At the end of the day everyone and everybody thinks they have an entitlement and a stake, IN DEATH

There is no human act in this cause, just another selfishness and bullshit

Had to let it all out- because it is all absurd, meaningless and ridiculous

It is the bullshit and shapeshift factor of it, that make me feel all f…

So lets drop the mask and stop pretending for the sake of paper punching

At the end of the day there is ‘a human being (s), and we have to be able to sleep at night with a conscience of what if, what it happened to me?

What if it happened to me and I lost someone I deadly and truly loved?

ould I continue to be a paper puncher, a number cruncher, for the sake of bureaucracy?

I feel f…. of and mad at the world and its entities-human beings who have become mummified for the sake of just being mummified, which in the end depletes the ‘human factor,

I feel f… because it happened to me and it has happened to me

I feel f….. and I have to write it down in order to decipher what has happened to ‘the human factor’

What have we lost?

Still f… off for it has happened to me

~The question is will you actually connect with me, or disregard me, as just another number???? Will you take into consideration that I have lost?

Will you consider, that what I have lost is not a staple or a hole puncher? That you will consider for one second that what I have lost is a human entity and not an item?

I have indeed lost a human entity, something tangible and something with meaningful

Will you treat me or others in a different way???

F… off still at the bullshit_ness of this world

CFM_100815

"Life and Meaning"_ Glued to a Couched Life

Where does one begin? 

Let's start with today, the here and now

Playing on the reward systems in order to regain some form of order in life. Being able to pick up clothes from the bed and tidying up (points rewarded to self), being able to clean dishes (points rewarded to self), opening the curtains,windows, letting in sunlight and the sea breeze air (points again rewarded to self), being able to write this now (major bonus points).

It is amazing how life easily losses meaning and the little things that once were not valued (easy routines and part of daily life) present themselves as very meaning and rewarding. It is even more amazing that the bigger things one wished to achieve, become muted become like mount Kilimanjaro (too high to climb and too complex to achieve)

Infantilisation is the word, I will give it; learning how to grow back into life.

Flash back six-eight months, never did I imagine that life would be flipped upside down yet again. 

Some existentialist would yell, shit happens get on with love and value life more now. Ah, if only it was that easy.

Never did I imagine, I would live without yet again and so soon. So I have learnt and adapted to a surrealist life again. Lets be honest when life stopped, so did mine. So woke again today, yet another morning of learning to live without. 

As I type, birds are chirping, traffic is moving along, the windy is blowing through the curtains .. it is all noise of and for the living. There is a disconnect and discontent for all life's representatives for these reps do not motivate me enough or shake my inner core to jolt me back into the land of the living; rather I jilted and cheated by life and its meaning and purpose. So as just I become a rebel without a cause against life meaningless functions  

The surrealist in me dreams of going for long lovely walks by the sea, or going to the park to layout and soak sun. Only these things which once matter, do not touch my inner core or radiant easily through me. Nowadays the sun touches only the surface or my skins and does not in deep enough, for there is nothing within to embrace. It's radiance has become too bright, that sunglasses have become an every second accessory to block of the rays which symbolise nothing at the moment. 

Then the exaggerated surrealist in me dreams of all the nice sporty activities which will churn me back into social contact, and into being with otherness, amongst the living. Easy right??? I wish so, or possibly do not wish so. For a reconnection with all things living, might just mean yet another loss, of what is already lost- the inner pain remains one symbolic thing to hold to for as long as possible; even though unbearable at times. 

Caught in between two worlds, the here and now and in the middle or somewhere, anywhere but here; possibly in the here and now, and not completely here. The here and now has become a world of what could be but it is so hard and unattainable, even baby steps are hard. Now the surreal world is exciting its where everything is actualised, and it's a dreamlike state of what can be and all the possibilities in the world; it is the escape. In the end, the two worlds collide and nothing happens, everything standstill for a long time. It is the train crush of emotions, emotive action, or none emotive actions. 

Within all this toxic complexity or trying to live but not fully living, there is battle of wanting to revert back to the - I used to be, and visualisation of self, of how I used to be and what I used to achieve. Next steps in frustration of I need it now, I need me to be again and now. Then follows the anger and annoyance with self. The tune playing, is like a child who wants and needs, all the time, but can't get it and may never be able to get the one and only thing that is now gone. 

Then one starts to wonder why life has indeed moved on, whilst one is stood-still-I turns into a spectator of life and its muses . The tune of self-pity plays repeatedly of the same chorus of why can't I, I should be able to; repeatedly on a high inner volume for so long it becomes annoying. Next guilt steps in, as one wonders, "friends" have either moved on, don't care enough for some have disappeared completely without a word; one yearns for reconnection that is meaningful and fully understanding.  One understands, off course it is because they just don't know to be, with a soul that's half living. So the living becomes an isolated daily activity; with the t-shirt statement, "of truly being alone in this world." It is possible to be alone even if surrounded by many including loved ones, for this journey was not meant to be interpreted in the same way by everyone. So as people can't travel the journey with you, you start to wonder what is the point of engaging and reconnecting for it seems so much of an effort- selfishness, childlike anger steps in; for it all feels its not mutually beneficial or reciprocal relationships. 

So for the sake of living and engaging, "bills have to be paid at least right??" one engages and connects with the world in a falsified manner; social etiquette fine tuned and to it's best tune. 

Work I am informed the professional world of the living, forms a structure and order for engaging in some way. For without work, there would be no other form of engagement. As it stands now the world has lost meaning and it's meaningfulness. So the body and mind have stood still as the world continues to move on. Stunted and trapped by something unique that even a pacifier could not ease the soul.

My dear friends, I am told this is on some level what grief, bereavement is all about. Stage number 6-8 or something; month six, day ??? but who is counting right? Inertly each day matters, as its living flipped upside down, as doing becomes meaningless and other temporary skillful means to pacify through the navigation of life whilst minimising the yearning and painful soul.

All the intelligence is knocked out of you, and the need to achieve becomes complex that one needs an aid to be guided back into life. It is the living without ....

It all boils down to living without for how can the world that once made sense, make sense at all now. So through the frustrations of wanting to embrace and engage life again now and today; the kicking screaming,, annoyance because I cant do everything so easily as I used- all become a norm to now, today way of living. I am told over and over again it's take time. I am told to take it easy on myself and not be too hard on myself. 

Life should be easy to live and just fully function again right?? It is the living without 

I lost my soul, my precious to a cruel, deadly and terminal disease (I watched my soul, my half die a little each day until it was time). It is the living without .....

I learnt to accept that death was inevitable and someday all of us will soon perish, including I. When death knocks on your door when you least expect, even before you planned to welcome it; it knocks your soul to the core and shakes the earth like an earthquake until you too filled as though you have been swallowed by the earth and deep into the ground (the only difference is that one is still part of the 'living').  

It is like a dream, for how can one even say it out loud. How can one ever dream that in their life time, a soul younger than them before it's even matured into adulthood would ever been snatched away too quickly from life, within a short space of time? 

It is the living without, the knowing....

It the living and know that graduation, wedding, children, grandchildren will never happen; not for her. It is the realisation and knowing that, I will not be stood in a swanky room, seeing her in a her own graduation gown, her first work outfit- a fancy suit, neither seeing her shining in her magical sparkled and glamorous wedding dress. It is the living without and knowing, the realising that life has gone and death has happened 

It is the living without and learning again to do without my half and my soul, my little angel, my little not so title younger sister. 

Is it the living without you....

Love you forever more plus infinity xoxo 

By CFM_27/06/15

A Glimpse of the Solar Eclipse

Sat atop a picturesque hill which feels like being on top of the world 

Black birds flying high above and  gliding along unwillingly with the force of the seaside wind 

The Sun hidden away beyond and behind misty foggy clouds; with the calming seas stretching out far and wide into the horizon

The seagulls float below and close to the seaside, chirping away with excitement of mornings delight. Do you (seagulls), know what is to soon come and fall upon us? 

The solar eclipse will soon pass us by, I am told

The cold sea breeze sweeps through cold cheeks and floating hair as a smooth touch of a special soul 

A tall stranger walks past with his dog, and is compelled to break the ice with a greeting of good morning; if only his joyful twilight grinning soul could pierce this frozen heart 

Sat on top of the world waiting, for the solar eclipse to arrive and enlightenment the day 

Still sat on top of the world without any sunlight to imprint gold dust into the soul; nor darkness to unravel the soul off its floods 

A significant moment has passed whilst we stood still waiting for a glimpse of the solar eclipse ....for it was not our time yet, to be adorned with something so magnificent

By CFM_200315

Death Anxiety

There are so many things which become more apparent and transparent through the infliction of death anxiety 

1) Life becomes redefined into mindfulness and meaningfulness 

2) The heart becomes consumed with sorrowful and everlasting pain with a void which can never be replaced 

3) The things that once appeared significant become meaningless and just minor obstacles to true living 

4) The daily norms of normality, "dress up to show-work assembly line," becomes even questionable on the purposefulness 

5) Friendships are tested with some trials and tribulations and only the true souls turn up to rescue one from the sinking ship. A light is shown on false friendships, strength prevails and propels one to the true souls

6) Risk tasking becomes the authentic way of being for there is no longer time to waste 

7) Tomorrow no longer matters, maximising today becomes more important. For tomorrow never comes 

8) Doubts are replaced with assurance and certainties of MUST and WILL 

9) True appreciation of family becomes even more present 

9) The longing, needing and aching for the one now deceased becomes a daily battle to learning how to live without 

10) Food, drink, weather, physical and emotional being, social communication become sustenance and substitutes to suppress or alleviate the aching soul temporarily

The death anxiety is not the fear of death. It is the heightened deep appreciation of death, and the knowing that there is no eternity to any soul on earth. 

The death anxiety is the peeling of yet another layer of oneself; the re-learning of how to live yet again without an extra soul on this earth 

Death anxiety, is internal conflict between needing freedom from pain, yet not wanting the pain to disappear; for if pain disappeared so would true existence and appreciate death 

By CFM_210315

I am no longer Jealous of Death

I am no longer jealous of death anymore; for no one can proudly say that they had a beautiful intelligent, thoughtful and loving younger sister such as you 

I am no longer jealous for you will forever be my little angel

I am no longer jealous because I am grateful for each day I got to spend with you

I am no longer jealous because I had the opportunity to spiritually connect with you, before you departed this world 

I am no longer jealous because I heard your lasting words, saw your last smile and tears 

I am no longer jealous because I got to hold your hand, talk to you, play you music each and everyday

I will never be jealous because something magnificent drew us together and each day mattered 

I am no longer jealous for I know you are resting in eternal peace, my sweet angel

I am no longer jealous for you will forever be my heart

Love you forever more , plus infinity 

By CFM inspired by Labrinth- Jealous-Single

I am Jealous of Death

I am Jealous of Death 

I am Jealous that death took you away from me

I am jealous of the fact that you are no longer here with me

I am jealous of Time for it stole you away from me

It is hard for me to say that I am jealous of the Coffin and the Earth, that now holds you much closer than I will ever be able to again 

I am jealous that I will never be able to hug, kiss or hold your hand ever again

I always thought you would come and tell me that it was all a dream 

I wished you the best each day while you were here with me and hoped you had found a bit of peace each day

All I do is cry behind my smile

I am jealous of the way the rain poured and rained on the day we said our final goodbye; for we missed the opportunity to say a peaceful goodbye

I am jealous of the thunder and lightning that took me away from you hurriedly, on the day you were buried

It is hard for me to say, I am jealous of the soil and mud that now surrounds you; for I wished I could hold you eternally

I wished you all the best that this world could ever give

I told you when you were ill, that there was nothing to forgive for all the pain that you were going through and that I would be with you forever, no matter what

I am jealous that your life was cut way too short, for we never got to rejoice your recovery,

nor will we be able to celebrate our future family events together again 

All I do is cry behind my smile

Even though the world has now become a bitter and cold place to live in, without you; I am happy that you will never see me in this eternal pain 

It is hard for me to say that I am happy that you are no longer in pain, but sad to know that it meant you had to leave me eternally

I wished you all the best this world could ever give and jealous for the day’s that I can no longer spend with you now

It is hard for me to say I wished many days that you would soon wake from deep sleep, and smile once more at me

I am jealous and angry for the fact that death won, and took you from you me, my little angel

I always thought you would grow up to be a beautiful successful woman

I wished you a bright future with a wedding day which will now never come 

I am jealous of the way that life has turned out; for the world did not have the opportunity to see your extraordinary talents 

I am jealous of the way your pure and innocent heart was taken away from this world

I am jealous that all I am left with in this moment is the deepest pain ever

It is hard for me to say, I am jealous by the way the hospital bed embraced you more than I could have during your lasting moments

I am jealous for the fact that I could not lay next to you each day to ease your pain

I am jealous for I will never be able to hear these words from you again, 

“I am fine and going to be okay.”

I am jealous that when I kissed, hugged and held your hand it was the very last time

I told you, I was sorry for all the pain you had to go through and that I loved you very much until eternity 

I am jealous for I was dragged away from you, as you lay in eternal peace 

all on your own

For how could I leave you, sweet angelic you, forever, even when you lay still forever 

You my dear sweet daring angel will always be my heart; 

I am no longer jealous 

By CFM inspired by Labrinth- Jealous-Single