My Number has not Changed

My number has not changed Days, Weeks, now Months have passed My number has not changed; only my circumstance has changed You used to dial my number on a daily basis and we would spend hours chatting endlessly about everything and nothing Silences were not awkward, now the long silences and disconnect has become awkward We used to be close, closer at times than our own blood lines My number has not changed; I am still here and now realise your number no longer reflects on mu missed calls list. I have awoken to a phenomenon Even though my number has not changed, I believe you have changed or perhaps I have awoken to the true you I recall a significant moment in your life when I rang you. I was there for you. I listened to your heart breaking story and comforted you until your heart appeased When my heartbreaking moment arrived, guess what-you did not call My number had not changed only you were no longer there, you still are not here Your call never came neither did I feel the urge to reach out, so you could appease my heart as I had yours My number has not changed; our relationship has - as we are no longer best friends

I ASPIRE TO BE YOU

Your strength symbolises many things I aspire to be Your demeanour tells so much more Your stature represents histories unspoken, yet spoken by your ancestors through you You tower over, as Masai's would You skin is olive and smooth; youthful I am reminded everyday of your discipline and respect you give to mind, body, and soul I admire you for your mind Your words alone remind me there is so much more meaning to life and remind me to be thankful of what i have, have had You ease my anxieties when the world becomes complex You remind me. I am and can be free to express myself My words feel safe to flow for I know you will be there to catch me and rescue me with your words of wisdom Oh how I admire your etiquette and approach to life You dedicate yourself to life I am reminded that with you, possibilities in life become actual possibilities and not passing times Your eyes to adventure have opened me up to escapism and free will to be spontaneous and just to be me I am free to pick and pack myself and go to different environments, free to immerse myself in difference, Free and liberated to wake up in a new country without the fear to explore You and you only and your ancestry of being in exisitence, & our blood line has made this possible. The possible and the potential and the actual is ME Therefore I love you more, plus infinity

I DIED LAST YEAR

For the past year I have been in the company of a great force I am not sure whether to call this force a friend or faux I have been tranpolined into a future which is not of my choosing I have been dragged with my feet dug deep in the ground, into a world which is not mine I never imagined infantilisation could occur to me, as an adult or that it existed The world I once knew in seconds was taken away from me, without my permission There I stood in the front living room, as the news circulated of a tragic event. As soon as I was exposed to the news, the world I once knew circled in a twister like shape away from me I was dazed and trapped in present time, as I watched it (my world) twirl away from me My body was transfixed, for I had no will. I had no will in me to hang onto this present world I watched it go. Even if I had chosen to hang onto it, it would have had no meaning and would be meaningless I crept through a dreamlike world Not sure whether I liked it or not I didn't question it Althought it was sunny it looked and felt bitter I felt cheated, I felt at least in this dreamlike world I could hide and become invisible Invisible I become so easily I embraced the dark force My blanket and curtains represented my new world Darkness became a friend to me My sofa cradled and rocked me to sleep The TV played junk tunes full of laughter and sorrow. These tunes, sounds and noises in the background became my lullaby and pacifier Tissues became a way for me to expel and cleanse a little of the darkness away; so that I had breathing space and a dose of reality once in a while Darkness embraced me I mated and lay with it day in, day out I did not wish it away I chose to be lost in this world I, I did want to feel this present world or the love in it I wanted to feel deep sorrow beyond my control The deeper I got, I feared it not, rather I embraced it I wanted the torture to remain For how could I live in a world which resembled happiness My happiness had been taken away from me in seconds In a second I had lost all choice, No one came at my door to ask for my permission Why or why would I Willingly be happy for my happiness to be stolen from me So yes, HELL yes I embraced you, my dark force-GRIEF

Mr Grey Where Are You.......???

“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.” ― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey I am on the 5th or 6th book of 50 Shades of Grey type of book It has become an unexpected venture, a road not travelled before. Nor a world known to exist before. There is something in it, about me. the I , the woman in me wanting this powerful man to exist out there. For the time being delving in realms of surrealist literary romantic heroes seems to do the trick If only multiple male type of Mr Grey's existed right? And one crossed paths with them on the street as a daily added dose of pleasure Mr Grey more than the sexualisation of it all is about the man, the beast: ) The man who knows himself and is confident The man who is not a time waster and knows what he wants in life The man knows how to respect and treat a woman The books' had to written for a reason, we 'ladies' are in the search for a driven man, well determined and a sexualised man I am a driven career woman who works too darn hard for time wastage. So yes a man who could sweep me off my feet will do thank you, should be an easy task right? I can only imagine Mr Greys existence. More than the sexualisation of it all, its about being pampered as a lady should be It's about the creativity of the man, more that his net-worth Does money matter, yes on some level it does. It matters on the level that the man is able to actualise his dreams Moreover he is able to actualise being there for the other (me). It matters on the level that the man comes with some level of class and is able to deliver and supersedes the etiquette levels of being in life Yes it matters, and as much as I want to a career driven woman, I want to be taken care off and adored and adorned by man I am assured that Mr Grey may be not a perfect man and has his faults, yet on another level there is the assurance that I will be well looked after Ah, how I dream of that strong powerful image minus the arrogance thank you It's not about the Chelsea or Mayfair status. It's about being educated to a higher degree including the hard knocks of life to a higher status of being a key driver in life. That in itself is sexy So I continue to search for Mr Grey in a surrealist painted picture If you exist do give me a call. Only before you give me a call, do bear in mind that I am not built like barbie and will never be Bear in mind that I too have a mind and a level of intellect Bear in mind that I work hard and earn a living Bear in mind that I am unique and come with great qualities, starting off with my personality Bear in mind when you have truly discovered me, I will be yours for life I will be true and honest and treat you life a king you deserve to be and you will reciprocate by treating me like a Queen I deserve to be Bear in mind that just because I am an achiever in life that does not make it easy for you to relax and not pamper me, or take care of me Lastly bear in mind that I may just be an alternative version you Mr Grey. Mrs Grey "with 50 Shades of Wonderfulness"

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black So broad your stature Self determination expressed in your faultless latitude Statuesque like Cleopatra A world ahead stretched and expressed by your outstretched arm Balanced on your tippy toes, reaching out to the world yet unknown Known for owning a beauty and talent yet unshelled Unknown to her, her stage faltered and shuttered to no ends beyond her control But yet still she continued to love with all her angelic might and spirit Yes she loved with absurdness beyond her control Little did she know the more she loved, her ballerina world could no longer hung on Her feet with all her might and angst dug deep into the dark bruised dirty world Her dress no longer pink became blackened by the dirty and cruel bedevilled world Her hands scrapped and bled unwillingly letting go off purity, as she sunk deep beyond her control Her life and love for dance got lost and became soulless entrenched in the darkness of life Little did she know she had the choice and willing-fullness to exert herself beyond it all, to still be HER Yes she still could be SELF after falling deep into darkness She still had control to not let "HERSELF", the "I" go Her ballerina shoes could still help her tip toe out of darkness Ballerina girl I echoed beyond the darkness; "Your feet can still move, so let your foot prints pave their way back into life Scrape through and beyond those cold cobbled streets and dance again Ballerina girl dance like you still have control and Exert yourself for your presence to be known yet again Stretch those long arms and spin with force beyond your control Ballerina girl spin and spin back into "your" and "our" world again I see YOU once more again Ballerina girl dressed in pink" . . . no longer blackened and darkened by despair

TEAR DroPs - Another Awakening Moment

Every tear drop becomes valuable

Valuable as gold

It's only takes one second, to awaken to reality until the floods gates open

It only takes one person to say ......."I am waiting for a man who is loveable and friendly as my father to come into my life"

The moment her words ended my reality sunk in- it sunk in deep & cut deep into the bloody core

Realism kicks in, to what is no longer

A love, a memory so vivid

A smile, a laugh so vivid it cuts deep to the core

If only yesterday could be today

Wait a minute, "Dance with my father AGAIN replays yet again, & over and over in my mind like a broken record" 

My mind is dazed

My throat cuts deep 

Alas I have been released by a ladies wish to meet a man like her father;

A father like you 

Little does she know she has released explosive endless flood gates, endless like the river Nile or as you and me envisioned it like Lake Malawi 

At last my tears are free to flow, my emotions are free

As joyous as the freedom is to be able to shed a tear and freely cry; I am reminded yet again of reality

Reality is unreal, surrealism is vivid & a comfort

Snapped back into reality- DAMN

Why or why does it hurt so much

Perhaps this is the freedom I was waiting for all along? ? 

Thanks to Merlot & the lady for my latest awakening moment , I only wish it was not so bitter sweet

Only wish my dream realty remained surreal and realty stayed away

Again thanks to Merlot 3 glasses full thank you, DAMN you, for awakening me

And lady so jealous, for what you wish for in a father is still alive

And I, I am only am left to dream of what could be

Your smile, YES your smile: ) assures me of the reasons for. And reminds me of the reasons why existence is even more so meaningful.

I am reminded without you there would be no me

Oh boy reality has sunk in- this floetry is because of you. My creativity although skewed is because of you

Therefore love you more 

For your existence has allowed for this fluid floetry 

You took me everywhere with you from childhood because you wished for me to know you. Now I am intertwined & so deeply woven in you, so much so I can't rip you off neither would I want to. Now what

I have your eyes, your vision

You and only you can translate the imagery I see of your architectural designs

Surrealism right?

You excited for a reason

That' reason I will actualise through your vision & artistry 

DAMN now I know why you drunk so much 

Creativity is a mind trap 

Like the cancer you once alerted me to

I now see you vividly seating in your your golden thrown

Laughing out loud at once that some lady has let my flood gates open

I see you laughing hysterically, and tapping periodically at your golden chair

You are elated that I have let go & let emotions flood in

DAMN 

Love You Dad Forever more- R.I.P. 

Sent from my iPhone

Moments of Awakening (Dream vs Reality)

"Freud once pointed out that the people who break under the strain of too great success do so because they can endure it only in imagination, not in reality." There are days when it dawns on me that I have awoken to myself yet again. In those moments I am spirited to pursuance of life and my existence in it. I embrace who, I am and who I can be. Moreover acknowledge vividly and without fail how to actualise my full potential. I grasp onto the ideal and my imagination runs wild. Now if I was a painter or a creative artist of some sort, illustrations of all these vivid imaginative thoughts would flow fluidly in seconds and you would be dazzled in amazement. Unfortunately, more than often my failings demonstrate themselves in my inability to actualise my potential. So I continue and linger on with the rest of society. I choose to continue to live in automatic pilot. I watch others mostly TV characters (e.g. directors and artists) and admire their potential and ability to actualise their dreams into some form of reality. My highest skill is being a dreamer and an imaginative creator only in the mind. My reality qualities lay in achieving and climbing up the career ladder. I give more than 100% percent to a professional cause, which pays for my livelihood and nothing beyond greater depth of personal rewards. I am astute to identifying what my skills are, especially analytical skills. The challenge continues on, accompanied with toxic ground hog days. I wake up and excel in the professional arena and utilise my resources until I have minimal capacity for self investment. During downtime, I have nothing remaining or the same level of will to excel myself to achieve just for me. I revert back to the dreamer in me, and dream of a beautiful life and what I could achieve. Now if I dreamt in tangile pictures; you would be amazed at my super capabilities. The me in reality is full of excuses for the reason I could not be the real me. The excuses role out much easier than the doing. Moments of awakening at the most and on a good day last for a full day. That full day could count as a full days labour. If you inspected what I had actually achieved you could quantify only my dreams. In reality my dreams would add no value to me or you without the actualisation. So my question lies what stops me; excluding the toxic excuses? Nothing but only me. The reality is that, what I actually dream I may not want. Or perhaps fear itself stops me; the fear of what I could actually be. I have become accustomed to being a victim of social injustice. Its not about not having any money to invest in actualising a dream. It's more about being accoustomed to being a commodity to a social system consisting of automated robots built to maneuver a repetitive labour conveyor belt with no rewards to self. I imagine the brave self jumping off the belt of labour multiple times. The independent me, in my imagniary world dreams of becoming independent of this automated conveyor labour belt. The rebel in me, imagines walking in the opposite direction of the 9-5 labourers; moreover tap dancing my way out of the social norms and routines. The utlimate freedom of letting go off the social and capital nomalisation, demonstrates itself in being able to wake up everyday enjoying and loving self actualisation. Its about having the flexibility to produce a living without being chained to social norms. When I dream, I certaintly do not dream about sitting at desk, typing away to no end of self reward. There is a rebel in me waiting to explode and ready to unleash myself. My inner voice and dreamy imagination has reached its peak. The painful reality is living everyday with the inner will screaming at you, every sec, every min,every hour and so on. There is only so much mind dumbing a person can take well me, as my mind is forever screaming away. "Wake up you fool, and do something before its too late." Wait for it, the me in reality has a response to this- yet another excuse. "Whats the point anyway, if I die there would be no point of having worked hard anyway." Time to actualise my potential right? The debate continues with me (reality) and me (internal beautiful creature you).