My mutiple affairs may soon collide. . .

My mutliple affairs and guilty pleasures may soon collide. I have always been able to move from one relationship to the next, but now it has become a challenge Victoria has kept all my Secrets so far. Victoria is a smooth talker who nourishes and replenishes my needs Tommy, the allure of sweetness. Tommy represented high school years and the essence of being sweet sixteen Tommy was lively, independent and had a natural appeal Calvin represented teenage angst of secret obssessions and contradictions With Calvin there was no promise of euphoria or eternity Calvin stripped any notion of being inspired by orchids ready to bloom Rather, Calvin appealed to bad boy imagery and oozed sex apeal; with a wash board stomach fit to model Calvin underwear and jeans. Burburrey, so effortless sensual with an ecletic combination of refined elegance Burburrey how could I resist, an illusion of potent college maturity refined by enhanced precious essence Burberry was a trend setter with an eye for design It was that checkered scarf that did it for me Gucci appeared at an unexpected time in my life Gucci was wordly, long distingished and successful Gucci premiered in successful and stylish couture settings Gucci awoke my senses and made me feel confident Powerfully sophicated enough to aaccompany a graceful leading lady down the red carpet, in her courture Gucci gown Gucci inspired me to premiere my couture Unfortunately, I fell for Gucci's brother Gucci Guilty is what I call this relationship I indulged myself in moments of guilty pleasure, and felt the freedom of going slightly beyond social conventions It felt like the thrill of staying in control while pushing boundaries Guicci Guilty sensual and distinct, enabled me to express my enique style Little did I know Dior would come into my life It was during the evening opening of christmas lights in Oxford street There stood Dior solidatry next to a counter in a retail shop Although the shop floor was filled with shoppers, I could not keep my eyes off Dior Mind you Gucci Guilty was a few steps away at another counter Dior's sensual, harminiuos and luminous appearance was like an incarnation of an Egypitan God I just could not resist Dior's opulence and strength. I had to get close and then I was hooked. Doir J'adore Now remember my best friend Victoria who keeps all my Secrets? Little does she know that Ted is my new best friend Dare I mention his last name it's . . . Baker Ted is like Victoria, only Ted is elegant and helps me deal with social butterflies, so that I can stand out from the crowd My world of guily pleasures will soon collide For, one thing Tommy, Calvin, Burberry, Gucci, Gucci Guilty have in common is ME Lets just hope Victoria can keep all my Secrets To be continued. . .

THE JOY'S OF CHRISTMAS

It's one of those things I never do I have not done in many years In fact my line of 'saving the trees' had worked so far My close friends know how I am They know how green issues are close to my heart They know how dedicated I am to saving trees Unfortunately, my neighbour is none the wiser She just had to do it She dropped it off yesterday wrapped it in two layers of paper, to my horror Thanks to her, I have now run out of excuses For she has seen my recycling bags She has seen my multilayers of paper wrapped inside the recycling bag (s) So I forced myself to go to the shops It took so much effort In the end I bought a whole box I had to prepare myself for I could not handle any more surprises So I did it, it was a hard decision I bought a whole box of Christmas Cards Oh the joys of Christmas To you, the one who made buy a whole box of Christmas cards Here is your Christmas Card Which got me out of my warm bed Which I had to walk a whole ten minutes to buy I may need an eye test, after starring at all those layers of cards in bright red icolours and piercing shimmering glitter I now have blisters from standing in a long time consuming line with crazed people with smiley faces I may also need to sue the retail person who tried to rip me off by enticing me into buying a pen A christmas card pen really? Ummm I already have a million pens from work and conferences thank you Oh and to top it off, she asked me if I needed a plastic bag Couldnt she already see my environmentally friendly bag I was carrying I hope you appreciate the lengths I had to go through to buy this card- not just any card a Christmas Card In the end I had to treat myself to a large Ameretto Latte, and shoes just to feel better again The least you can do to cheer me up is to treat me to a glass of my favourite drink and in my favourite wine bar P.S. Oh by the way your christmas Card is the same as everyone else Otherwise I would have needed an ambulance to calm my anxiety levels of having to choose a card especially for you I am pretty sure you feel special anyway to receive a card from me Signed .. Miss Christmas Grinch

More of the GREEN stuff PLEASE

We met over ten years ago I remember our first encounter It was during Christmas dinner If you only knew the length's we had to go to, to prepare the eventful fine dining occassion Off course I had the hard task of preparing the seating arrangements and selecting drinks to accompany the four course meal As a duty and out of obligation, I had to take a sip of each drink; to find the right match Then there was the seating arrangements, I had to worry about too I was also in and out of the kitchen rightly so, as the main tester Somehow I did not know you were already in the kitchen tacked away somewhere Some other women already had their grabby hapnds on you, trying to peal your layers We were first introduced at the table Everyone took their turn in being introduced, to each and every fine dish around the table Our introduction was last All I could see was green I didnt know how to approach you or how you would mix with the others You were well shaped, but had too many layers You had a smooth outlook, a bit rough on the edges and had an unfamiliar scent I intially shyed away from you My hands froze Then I just had to do it I had to taste you Everyone stood agasp in anticipating and waiting to see my reaction when I had resurficed A few girls giggled at my reaction I resurficed only with a confused face I didnt know whether I liked the taste of you I felt like hiding you under the table but I couldnt The host made sure we all finished our dinner, so there was no chance of hiding you I felt like a five year old being forced to eat finish my meal Now ten years on I can proudly say, I am pleased we were introduced Although you are bland, you go with my everything You fulfill my winter blues Your scent still stands out I am proud to add you on my list of green stuff P.S. Brussel Sprouts, I can now admit to the world that I truly like you:-)

I WANT THEM TO KNOW

You existed for real
I want people to know you and to remember you
You existed for real

You walked this earth
Your feet prodded through miles of dust
Yet you neither I could predict that soon you would become one with the dust

You are encased safely but for how long
Sooner or later you will become one with the earth

Although you lay deep, it is hard to imagine you there
It is hard to imagine YOU, there laying encased

You were not one to be encased
You loved and lived life

Everyday life had a meaning
You lived every minute of it DOING
You DID what you were passionate about

You worked none stop
Holidays never existed for you
You lived to give and care for others

You also lived to self destruct
As much as you loved life, you were your own worst enemy.
You did not love yourself fully, as much as you gave fully to your life's passion (work) and to others
You did not give yourself a break

You lived to actualise your career potential
You leave a lot of history behind

Only wish that what you have built reamaims as part of your history
Only wish that in time the buildings you have built do not self distrust
Only wish that they remain a fortress

It's hard to imagine you laying still
You were never one to lay still
You were forever on your feet
When you were not on your feet, your mouth did the walking for you
For you loved to be with others and connect with otherness

So you have left us with many of your stories
Your stories are embedded in us

I shall one day be able to tell your story
I want people to know you existed
I don't want people to remember you
You existed for a purpose
You worked everyday for a purpose
The purpose can't just be for you to exist and to be gone

I want them to know
They have to know
They do need know

That you existed and still exist

wRitting for CHAOS

I am writing for the sake of writing, without any exact order or common sense. I am propelled to write as a form of an outlet. My head is full of dialect which can no longer be contained in its own internal dialect.

So many random thoughts floating around. Today is rather a peculiar day. I am most connected to people who are in a form of malice, who themselves are feeling some form of disorder. I did not invite them into my world, but they came along willingly. It's as though a magnet drew us together.

I am glued to people who are going through some form of life disorder. Whether it be reconnecting with a loved one who has long since been deceased or going through a life changing experience which leaves one stuck.

I write for chaos & disorder, because I do not want my sentences or words to make sense. My inner self does not make sense, as its not connected fully to the external. The inner core drives me externally to uncontrollable forces.

So for instance, I've woken up feeling melancholy beyond my control. I am left with minimal options. The rational self prompts, me to connect with the world, while the irrational me wants to remain with this melancholy. I am lazy at the concept of  deciphering it all, whats the point. Rather I remain with the pain. I lay still the world departs from me, while the clock moves and ticks in the invisible parallel of the world which shifts time.

I am comfortable yet in conflict with letting life just pass by.
I am comfortable in being alone yet in despair.

I reflect on what it means to be alone in the world.
I rationalise and agree with previous philosophers in the notion of we are born alone and die alone.
As much as we reach for a connect in times of happiness or sadness, the connect will never be fully merged.

My senses are more heightened than before.
I see the world in another light.
Grieve no matter what the connect is the most isolating experience
It drives one into so many untouched levels
As much as grief brings people together (families especially) it draws away others (friends)
I've noticed people get lost

As much as you feel lost, people (friends) do not know how to be towards you
So you find in the hour of need, you are alone

Moreover what's shocking is that someone exists and one day they are gone, and the mass population moves on.
People are almost surprised by your comatose status.
The most surprising comments is, "what's wrong"?????
This is the breaking point. The inner self is dancing with rage and disbelief

For how could you feel the way I feel
How could you be connected as I am
So there lies the concept we come alone we die alone
for how could you be so disconnected to my world of inner turmoil
how could you be so ignorant to my inner goings

I like writing for chaos

I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral

I went to see you for myself in order to believe that your physical being had departed

I dressed for you, in mourners’ clothes and according to set customs

I arrived and was assessed as a foreigner by the crowd

Amongst the crowd I was one of the few who could call you my closest bloodline

I arrived just in time to see you

I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral but the funeral was not yours

I plucked the courage to see you laid in the coffin, dressed in your best suit

I willed by legs and balanced my shaking body to have the strength to walk towards you

Although it was sunny outside, you lay in a cold and dark room

There were people in the room, sat on the floor surrounding you

I did not see them; to me they were a blur behind my tears

I felt like an intruder as I walked in a procession of a line of your close descendants to see you

I felt cheated that we did not have this private moment, only you with us

We were meant to have these private few minutes with you to say goodbye

I walked close to you and feared looking straight at you

I knelt down beside you and held your coffin

I attempted to touch your face through the glass you were encased in

I forced myself to look at you, for I had to make this surreal dream real

I had to look at you, in order to believe you had truly departed from this earth

I looked at you and felt a cold chill, I could not look at you longer than a second

Each of the several times I looked at you I did not see you

It’s as though, I felt if I looked harder I could see you

If I looked harder I could feel you, and accept that you had departed

The person resembled you

How could they encase you in glass, thereby leaving no room for me to leave any memorabilia next to you?

How could you depart from this earth, without a little piece of me?

How could you depart this world without me actually touching your hand?

How could you be so encased in such a small space?

How could this be you?

Where was your peaceful sleeping face?

Even in sleep when alive, you looked at peace.

This whole place did not have a feel of you

We walked to your burial site

We trended along, amongst a crowd and got lost within it

Everyone there had their own personal goodbye to say, or were just there to just be

I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral but the funeral was not yours

There were many people there, many people who praised you and admired you

They said all they had to say about you

Our words got lost

They told us about how great you were, including all your achievements

We were meant to say our last words to you

Our words got lost

We were meant to stay behind with you for a while, without anyone else there

I went to a funeral, but the funeral was not yours

I landed with a heavy heart and left with an even heavier heart

For how could I touch down without you being there to greet me with your smile and warmth?

How could I depart without you being there to say goodbye

How could I leave knowing you lay somewhere so far away?

How can I make this all real?

Even till today, following your funeral I cannot let you go yet

I cannot bring myself to say the words which are instantaneously said by many

I am not ready to let you go

How can I be ready to ready to let you go?

I feel you in my awaken state and in sleep

I awake with deep sorrow and remain in a surrealist daze

The sorrow is a constant reminder that you have departed

It is a reminder that you are dead

I see you only through memories, mostly memories of childhood

You smile and laughter carried me through tough times, now it appears that’s fading in the background and the sorrow is surfacing

We were meant to ..............................

We were meant to .................................

You definitely have proven that you are not infinite that even you can die and leave this earth

You definitely chose a quick exit which left us with no room for me say the final goodbye

I wish your last moments were of peace

I hope you found peace in the end

I hope that you are now at peace

As your daughter, I remain selfish and cannot let you go yet.

How can a daughter let her FATHER go?

I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I am overwhelmed physically and emotionally, so much so that I have lost the freedom of expression.

I have lost my speech, so much so that I cannot vocalise the erupting volatility of my inner turmoil

My throat is forever soar with the pain you have inflicted like a disease

My physical being and energy of what my vessel represents is lost

Every fibre of my being aches

 I am existing among many only a few see the real me

If you look close and deep in my eyes, you will see my soul is no longer there

My capsule is closed to the world, with little room for visitors

I  have become a slave to you; my inner turmoil

I feel you slowly erupting, but do not feel safe or ready to unleash you

Even though I have evacuated all potential victims to avoid them being inflicted, I alone am not confident to unleash you

I am vulnerable; you have shaken my every sense of being

As I can’t handle you, so I abuse myself subtly in various forms. For instance, I sit all day and do nothing apart from watching my youthful body decay. I, I have found comfort in nursing my pain by numbing it with false substances

In those moments when I am still and numb, I feel you slowly easing your grip from me. I become elated.  I feel you fade in the back ground; although I know you are near and will resurface again; just as soon as I’ve been cleansed from pretentious highs

Days and days go by which appear quiet the same

In the midst of it all, I am hanging on tightly to the self destruct button

The rebel in me is ready to press the button, because I no longer want to feel. I want to unleash you onto me and any other unforeseen victim.

The sane me wants to feel ride this insane roller coaster till the end. The inner pride in me tells me you cannot defeat me

How do I describe you or name you to the world?

You are GRIEF

I did not invite you but you came anyway

You shaken my world to unimaginable levels of emotional and physical intensity

Never did I imagine that you would shake the inner physicality of me, to this extent.

You have stunted my external being; everything real in life has become false and more visible

You have slowed my participation in life, so much so am no longer enthusiastic or an active player in it

I know your purpose for being and affecting me so

You want me to feel you deeply

You want me to express myself freely

Sadly I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD and express myself freely

So you and I may be bound together for a long while yet

I do not know whether I have strength in me to overcome you

In the end I want me