wRitting for CHAOS

I am writing for the sake of writing, without any exact order or common sense. I am propelled to write as a form of an outlet. My head is full of dialect which can no longer be contained in its own internal dialect.

So many random thoughts floating around. Today is rather a peculiar day. I am most connected to people who are in a form of malice, who themselves are feeling some form of disorder. I did not invite them into my world, but they came along willingly. It's as though a magnet drew us together.

I am glued to people who are going through some form of life disorder. Whether it be reconnecting with a loved one who has long since been deceased or going through a life changing experience which leaves one stuck.

I write for chaos & disorder, because I do not want my sentences or words to make sense. My inner self does not make sense, as its not connected fully to the external. The inner core drives me externally to uncontrollable forces.

So for instance, I've woken up feeling melancholy beyond my control. I am left with minimal options. The rational self prompts, me to connect with the world, while the irrational me wants to remain with this melancholy. I am lazy at the concept of  deciphering it all, whats the point. Rather I remain with the pain. I lay still the world departs from me, while the clock moves and ticks in the invisible parallel of the world which shifts time.

I am comfortable yet in conflict with letting life just pass by.
I am comfortable in being alone yet in despair.

I reflect on what it means to be alone in the world.
I rationalise and agree with previous philosophers in the notion of we are born alone and die alone.
As much as we reach for a connect in times of happiness or sadness, the connect will never be fully merged.

My senses are more heightened than before.
I see the world in another light.
Grieve no matter what the connect is the most isolating experience
It drives one into so many untouched levels
As much as grief brings people together (families especially) it draws away others (friends)
I've noticed people get lost

As much as you feel lost, people (friends) do not know how to be towards you
So you find in the hour of need, you are alone

Moreover what's shocking is that someone exists and one day they are gone, and the mass population moves on.
People are almost surprised by your comatose status.
The most surprising comments is, "what's wrong"?????
This is the breaking point. The inner self is dancing with rage and disbelief

For how could you feel the way I feel
How could you be connected as I am
So there lies the concept we come alone we die alone
for how could you be so disconnected to my world of inner turmoil
how could you be so ignorant to my inner goings

I like writing for chaos