I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I am overwhelmed physically and emotionally, so much so that I have lost the freedom of expression.

I have lost my speech, so much so that I cannot vocalise the erupting volatility of my inner turmoil

My throat is forever soar with the pain you have inflicted like a disease

My physical being and energy of what my vessel represents is lost

Every fibre of my being aches

 I am existing among many only a few see the real me

If you look close and deep in my eyes, you will see my soul is no longer there

My capsule is closed to the world, with little room for visitors

I  have become a slave to you; my inner turmoil

I feel you slowly erupting, but do not feel safe or ready to unleash you

Even though I have evacuated all potential victims to avoid them being inflicted, I alone am not confident to unleash you

I am vulnerable; you have shaken my every sense of being

As I can’t handle you, so I abuse myself subtly in various forms. For instance, I sit all day and do nothing apart from watching my youthful body decay. I, I have found comfort in nursing my pain by numbing it with false substances

In those moments when I am still and numb, I feel you slowly easing your grip from me. I become elated.  I feel you fade in the back ground; although I know you are near and will resurface again; just as soon as I’ve been cleansed from pretentious highs

Days and days go by which appear quiet the same

In the midst of it all, I am hanging on tightly to the self destruct button

The rebel in me is ready to press the button, because I no longer want to feel. I want to unleash you onto me and any other unforeseen victim.

The sane me wants to feel ride this insane roller coaster till the end. The inner pride in me tells me you cannot defeat me

How do I describe you or name you to the world?

You are GRIEF

I did not invite you but you came anyway

You shaken my world to unimaginable levels of emotional and physical intensity

Never did I imagine that you would shake the inner physicality of me, to this extent.

You have stunted my external being; everything real in life has become false and more visible

You have slowed my participation in life, so much so am no longer enthusiastic or an active player in it

I know your purpose for being and affecting me so

You want me to feel you deeply

You want me to express myself freely

Sadly I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD and express myself freely

So you and I may be bound together for a long while yet

I do not know whether I have strength in me to overcome you

In the end I want me