Comatose to the World

Not sure how to describe the feeling. Its like being back at square one of being bereaved, only this time there is a deadness to it. There is a loss of self plus the added factor of coping with social functionality. Thoughts of life being taken for granted due to social formality.There is no freedom in loss.There is a uniformity of continuum which is viewed as a norm, but supersedes the norm. Social factors and life form has developed into a realm of no leeway. There is no room to expel the most surreal and unnatural experience. If there was, there would be more meaning and appreciation to life and the meaning of it all For instance, a loved one who forms most of our lives and interwines into every cell of the other in an instant dies. Their moments in life versus their death; in death social norms allow for the dead to be forgotten in days or months, which does not equate to the amount of years they lived. If there was meaning in life, social norms would allow for the bereaved to grief as part of a cathartic experience with no time limits. Experiencing bereavement is within itself a phenomena. Only that this phenomena is not embraced. Its observed and seen by the non exposed but not internalised. There is an expectation to recognise and respect the bereaved but with time limits. Anything beyond the expected time limit by society is verging on 'madness'. There is some level of 'madness' in that sense in society. How is it normal to allow for no prolonged bereavement process? How can meaning of life exist if it can only be forgotten due to social functioning? Social functioning is the need to keep the revolving wheel going, in a robotic society. The person (the bereaved) who is experiencing this phenonmena is expected to heal and move on. All in aid of social robotism. The 'madness' in this form of social functioning is that the doing (e.g. working) at the end of the day is meaningless when one is dead. So when society is very much alive wouldn't it be more beneficial to experience with the other and acknowledge the dead for as long as they lived? For their life had to have some meaning (especially as the spent their life 'doing') all in the name of social functioning.

Ravi Shankar

Indian virtuoso musician Ravi Shankar - the man who introduced The Beatles to the sitar and father to singer Norah Jones - has died aged 92   Labeled 'the godfather of world music' by George Harrison, Shankar helped millions of classical, jazz and rock lovers discover the centuries-old traditions of Indian music His close relationship with Harrison, the Beatles lead guitarist, shot Shankar to global stardom in the 1960s Later generations knew him as the estranged father of popular American singer Norah Jones Died: Ravi Shankar, 92, performs during a concert in Bangalore, India Ravi Shankar, the sitar virtuoso who became a hippie musical icon of the 1960s after hobnobbing with the Beatles and who introduced traditional Indian ragas to Western audiences over an eight-decade career, has died. A statement on the musician's website said he died in San Diego, near his Southern California home. The musician's foundation issued a statement saying that he had suffered upper respiratory and heart problems and had undergone heart-valve replacement surgery last week. The prime minister of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh's office confirmed his death and called him a 'national treasure.' Labeled 'the godfather of world music' by George Harrison, Shankar helped millions of classical, jazz and rock lovers discover the centuries-old traditions of Indian music. He also pioneered the concept of the rock benefit with the 1971 Concert For Bangladesh. To later generations, he was known as the estranged father of popular American singer Norah Jones. As early as the 1950s, Shankar began collaborating with and teaching some of the greats of Western music, including violinist Yehudi Menuhin and jazz saxophonist John Coltrane.  Published by Jane Nye- Daily Mail

Empty Words

There is something in the human dialect that has become common. Our common reaction in most cases when supporting someone through loss, is opting for easy words which build greater distance. We easily and immediately communicate customery words such as 'be strong,''sorry' or 'may they rest in peace'. My friends mother passed away today, and there came pouring the sequence of familiar words. It is not only through my own experience of losing close relatives and a parent that I began to realise these words had absolutely no meaning and were just empty words. I was disconnected from especially words like 'be strong'. These words for me represent an easy way for the other to not take ownership in seeing the bereaved through a difficult process. Then there is the other counter to it, that these words have become so easy to say and are part of cultural traditions. The last thing, I want to hear is be strong or sorry and these hearing these words do not bring me closer to the other. It only reinforces that the other is not with me in my hour of need and will not be there emotionally to support me through my grieving journey. Rather what I hear is get on with it and cope. Then there is words like 'I understand I have also be through the same thing or I know what it feels like.' Really do you? Its all relational. My thoughts are no matter how common or similar our loss or tragedies, the experience for each and every individual is different. This includes loss in a family loss. Off course as a family its easier to lean on each other cause it's common ground to share similar memories and some of the grief. Now the experience of grief will differ. I am just wondering what this whole process of loss is all about. It still feels like its something that we the majority still experience in isolation, even within families. A person dies those closest carry on the griefing process. Friends and acquientences carry on with life. Then there is that push for the bereaved to go back to work. I once told my friend if I had my way; I would have gone back to work in my pj's and cried when I felt like it. In reality its not appropriate to display grief in workplaces, even beter yet we have become accustomed to not grieving in public. Dare I cry in public. For me keeping accoustomed to not crying in public is about the general public reaction ('it's ingrained to be abnormal'). If I could cry I would endlessly until I was done, but I do not want to hear someone say sorry or are you okay. My question is what are you sorry about, do you want me to stop crying so I can sympathise with you? These words are used too quickly and hold no meaning. I think what this all brings and exposes in me is anger. I want the freedom in expression and also to feel human connections which are not blocked by words. I am looking for human acceptance in grief as a process and not an immediate cure to what is socially acceptable. I am looking not to be classified in a box, of 'a nutter' just because I may have grieved longer than you or whats socially acceptable. No one is an expert in grief, its about developing a human connection to an unimaginable experience.

I am YOU

I am you, I am made of you, you made me with someone who is also a part of me I am you, I wish you were me If you were me, we us would be entwined forever I could be you, me and you together could have conquered the world Being you, and I You is made of greatness You, Me, I You, what does it all symbolise and does you or I nor me need to mean anything If you put me and you together then its explosive, the 'it' being you and I combined together Now us and we could have ventured the world together It's now me without you Dont you see, me without you does not equal us You and I were meant to write great chapters together Now you are no longer, I shall become you and me As I become you and me, I only wish I can do us justice so you would me proud of me that is now you I see you, looking and me at us now smilling Ah at last I have you in the now, knowing me and what us meant Now if only you could see the you I see smilling at me, then and only then you would know that we are eternal and meant to be forever The you that is present in the now is possibly you trying to tell me and us that we can survive without you The joy that is present in the now is the you I want to be with smiling and laughing with If only I with you could feel your joy Seeing you without me in the distance like a vague memory only brings back reality that you and I are no more The we, we could have been is only me without you It's the me with you and only your memories-R.I.P.

Blood is thicker than water

You once told me blood is thicker than water Now I am left realising what you meant The pain cuts deep and hurts in magnitudes unexplained I have become infantilised yet again I am re-learning how to craw back to life I am learning to milk the little pleasures of what is left to life without you I rock and cradle to music which is a reminder of you I am learning a new language of survival and loss in life I have become my own teacher of life without you My body has aged a thousand years, yet I feel like an infant I reach for things that are far from my reach I wish to be reborn into a world where you exist, so I can feel that greater love again The pain cuts through, so deep I have learned to adapt to a world of numbness I feel the pain inwardly, yet cannot express it outwardly, nor can no longer drop a single tear I am locked within, with no outward expression The inner me is fighting a losing battle. I want to fight in order to express my anger, but my body is weakened I want to cry a million tears, but only you will not be there to grip onto my frailing body I have become accustomed to a dark world of which I know like the back of my hand I have become the Jackal and Hide of life I am self taught in skills of emotional survival and instability You were my day and night, the good and bad that can be in a relationship In the end you become my friend Who knew you could become my friend Hence the reason 'it' the pain cuts so deep and runs through my inner core, so much so I have become accoustmed to the deep chills and unbreakable pebbled crystals twisting in me waiting to explode I fear the moment my inner turmoil aliviates, I would have lost you yet again

Now and again I cry

Now and again I cry a thousand tears My heart drips with blood of menlaconly The floods of tears are endless, and fall into a deep dark well Now and again I cry a million tears, My eyes flood and drip tears of ice crystal petals The ice crystals petals drip endlessly and stream down icy mountains Now and again I cry a trilliin tears My tears freeze from being exposed to a deep breeze. A deep breeze which cuts through me and deep into my veins Now and again, I cry, I just cry endlessly I hold on tight to the deep penetrating chill for it has become my kindred spirit I clasp with all my might through explosive waves as the tears stream down the river in great speed; I feel you slip away from me just as slick as the speed of the waves Now and again, I. . . , I just . . . I try to hung on My arms with all their strength hung on, only to be weakened by the physicality of your supernatural presence Now and only now in the here and now, I . . . I tirelessly try to grip onto the roots and core of you Now and again, I ask Why can't I feel you near me Now and again I do not . .. I do not feel my own physical stength as my body is weakened by your suction You drain me and I am lost in an endless plea You cut through me like bloods runs through veins Now and again tears endlessly flow and fear runs deep chills into my inner core

My mutiple affairs may soon collide. . .

My mutliple affairs and guilty pleasures may soon collide. I have always been able to move from one relationship to the next, but now it has become a challenge Victoria has kept all my Secrets so far. Victoria is a smooth talker who nourishes and replenishes my needs Tommy, the allure of sweetness. Tommy represented high school years and the essence of being sweet sixteen Tommy was lively, independent and had a natural appeal Calvin represented teenage angst of secret obssessions and contradictions With Calvin there was no promise of euphoria or eternity Calvin stripped any notion of being inspired by orchids ready to bloom Rather, Calvin appealed to bad boy imagery and oozed sex apeal; with a wash board stomach fit to model Calvin underwear and jeans. Burburrey, so effortless sensual with an ecletic combination of refined elegance Burburrey how could I resist, an illusion of potent college maturity refined by enhanced precious essence Burberry was a trend setter with an eye for design It was that checkered scarf that did it for me Gucci appeared at an unexpected time in my life Gucci was wordly, long distingished and successful Gucci premiered in successful and stylish couture settings Gucci awoke my senses and made me feel confident Powerfully sophicated enough to aaccompany a graceful leading lady down the red carpet, in her courture Gucci gown Gucci inspired me to premiere my couture Unfortunately, I fell for Gucci's brother Gucci Guilty is what I call this relationship I indulged myself in moments of guilty pleasure, and felt the freedom of going slightly beyond social conventions It felt like the thrill of staying in control while pushing boundaries Guicci Guilty sensual and distinct, enabled me to express my enique style Little did I know Dior would come into my life It was during the evening opening of christmas lights in Oxford street There stood Dior solidatry next to a counter in a retail shop Although the shop floor was filled with shoppers, I could not keep my eyes off Dior Mind you Gucci Guilty was a few steps away at another counter Dior's sensual, harminiuos and luminous appearance was like an incarnation of an Egypitan God I just could not resist Dior's opulence and strength. I had to get close and then I was hooked. Doir J'adore Now remember my best friend Victoria who keeps all my Secrets? Little does she know that Ted is my new best friend Dare I mention his last name it's . . . Baker Ted is like Victoria, only Ted is elegant and helps me deal with social butterflies, so that I can stand out from the crowd My world of guily pleasures will soon collide For, one thing Tommy, Calvin, Burberry, Gucci, Gucci Guilty have in common is ME Lets just hope Victoria can keep all my Secrets To be continued. . .