Today began as a beautiful celebration
in memory of you, Mon Petit Ange. Despite the joyous start, the day
concluded with the familiar deep sadness that accompanies the annual countdown
to your birth and death every October and December. It’s as if my mind and body,
on autopilot, transport me to relive those days and month we spent together,
including the hospital moments leading to your final resting place beneath the
earth.
With each
passing year, the heartache becomes more manageable, though I held onto the
pain as a lingering connection to you. Yet, even as time lessens the intensity,
it doesn't erase the repetitive emotional spells of missing and thinking about
you or the acute pain of your premature departure. I believed the fading pain
in my heart symbolized my mind letting go of our soulful magnetic synergy and
connection. The memories, like a recurring movie, vividly play,
transporting me to yesterday, where we are the main characters.
Flashing memories take me to the corridors of the hospital, with a primary nurse tearfully saying the final goodbye. I relive the excruciating pain, realizing this was not an ordinary day. The vivid recollection of choosing coffins, seeing you laid in the morgue, and rushing to buy your final burial dress adds to the tapestry of memories. There are moments of breakfast at a lodge, the surreal sight of tubes and machines keeping you alive, and the never-ending days and nights spent by your hospital bed. At this precise moment, a vivid memory emerges of one of the primary nurses who cared for you. She rushes down the corridor, calling out my name in tears, to bid the final goodbye, embracing me tightly, expressing how deeply sorry she was.
Followed by the memory of excruciating physical and emotional pain, which struck suddenly as I realized I was leaving you behind. The pain immobilized me, urging me to cling to the floor or the wall, desperate not to part from you. It was a painful acknowledgment that this wasn't an ordinary day, where we took our regular hospital visit break and returned to see you again.
These are
flashing memories of moments when I wasn't physically present, lost in a
trance. Vivid recollections of choosing coffins for you in the funeral parlor,
a surreal experience that felt both routine and otherworldly. The sharp memory
of being summoned to the back room by the Funeral Director to see you. Walking
in, I saw you laid bare in the freezing cold on a metal bed. A vivid flash of
the lady in the morgue asking how you wanted your hair styled. The moment we
hurried to buy your final burial dress before flying back to our ancestral
home. There was also a moment, lost in a trance, unaware you were flying with
us, enclosed in a coffin beneath us, as we sat comfortably in our plane seats.
These
numerous flashbacks include short-lived moments, like the time we spent at the
lodge before heading to the hospital. A once-in-a-lifetime moment when we had
breakfast together. Life changed the night before you entered the hospital,
never to come out again. Vivid memories of you appearing to force yourself to
stay awake, driven by the fear of never waking again. Surreal moments when you
collapsed just a few doors away from us, only to see you laid on an emergency
bed and rushed off by the hospital staff.
Then
there are the memories of walking into the Intensive Care Unit for the very
first time in my life, witnessing all those tubes and machines plugged into
you, working tirelessly to keep you alive. These tubes and machines became
familiar, a source of comfort, reassuring me that they were sustaining your
life. Countless days and nights were spent sitting next to you in your hospital
bed or in the hospital break room, in between meetings with doctors and the
hospital management team.
These are
just a fraction of the many memories that cross my mind. They are memories that
will forever be a part of us—of you and me. These memories, though
painful, are an integral part of us, an eternal bond that time cannot unravel.
They weave a narrative that binds us together for eternity.
The pain
lessens as I am frequently reminded of your relentless fight to cling to life.
It was only your heart that chose to let go, not you giving up. You never
surrendered in the battle; instead, you responded to your higher calling from your
heavenly father to depart from your physical form and this earthly existence.
Your
radiant spirit is eternally imprinted in my heart and soul. Today, I fondly
recall you with a glimmer of sunshine and warmth in my heart. The seagulls
outside my window seem to dance in celebration of your existence and spiritual
essence.
As I sip
my coffee, a partial smile graces my face, even though my heart holds a touch
of melancholy as it reflects on what once was, on who you once were. I'm
reminded of your deep love for life, which is precisely why I now cherish each
moment and find internal happiness, knowing how much you valued life and
bravely fought to cling to it.
All I see
right now is your beautiful smile radiating through me, compelling me to let go
of the melancholy within my heart.
All I
hear is your infectious laughter, hitting my chest and penetrating through my
heart, forcing me to laugh a little without feeling guilty.
All I
feel is you cheering me on with your beautiful smile, encouraging me to let go,
be free, and express everything I am feeling.
As I sit here,
memories of you continue to flash right in front of my eyes. Memories of you
borrowing my nail polish, trying on my lip balm, creeping into my bedroom in
the middle of the night to sleep next to me, and our late-night chats about
everything and nothing at all. Memories of talking to you while you were in
boarding school and so much more.
I'm also
reminded of the sad memories of us in a foreign land, of you fighting through
the toughest battle of your life. Short-lived memories of comforting you until
you felt at ease to fall asleep, of you trying to be strong externally while
facing the toughest challenge. You taught me a courageous lesson about letting
go of anger toward a racist doctor who could have treated you better. This is
what made you so angelic—you believed in forgiveness and kindness even toward
those who did not treat you the same way.
I treasure the joyous and sad memories we shared, memories that will remain etched in my heart for eternity. As I sit here a few years later, I reflect on our shared memories without you being here physically. Our lifetime together feels like a surrealist painting, a dream, and sometimes a nightmare due to the torment you endured before leaving this earth.
I feel blessed and honored to have been your older sister during our lifetime. Our souls will forever be bonded for eternity, plus infinity. You were and will always be one in a million, a beautiful golden treasure to me—Mon Petit Ange.
You had such a pure, loving, caring, and compassionate heart. You showed us light when there was darkness, and you brought together and united thousands of people from all walks of life across the globe. They saw how pure and giving your heart was, and they fought with you and in your name. We will forever be indebted to the beautiful souls who showed up and supported
you.
You had so much to give to people in need and would have given so much more.
You had so much more to conquer in this world and in this lifetime.
These were all my dreams for you and a future that was never meant to be. In your heart of hearts, you knew when it was time to go. You departed quietly in solitude when your mission on earth was complete.
You never gave up and fought with all your strength and might. Although a deadly heart disease afflicted your heart, you never gave up. Your heart aged before its time, and you left way too soon. My heart, though pained, felt at ease knowing you were no longer suffering. It was your time to depart this earth in your physical eternity.
Today, I sit here deeply grateful for the life gifts you left with me. The gift to let go soulfully, to stand still, and release another loved soul. To sit still in solitude and say the words, "If it's your time to go, it's your time to go. It's okay for you to let go and be at peace."
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to connect with you deeply on a spiritual level before your entity left this earth. Even during months of silence when your physical entity was not fully conscious, thank you for allowing me to go deep within myself, reconnect with life's true meaning, rediscover myself, and understand my true purpose in this lifetime.
Thank you for gifting me with the value of life and how not to take it for granted.
Thank you for showing us the toughest life lesson in the disease known as Cardiomyopathy. I hope today you are celebrating a rebirth birthday with your heavenly father, the father you were devoted to and prayed to often.
May your soul resting in
eternal peace, Mon Petit Ange – Lorraine Matenda (January 26th 2015).
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