I DIED LAST YEAR

For the past year I have been in the company of a great force I am not sure whether to call this force a friend or faux I have been tranpolined into a future which is not of my choosing I have been dragged with my feet dug deep in the ground, into a world which is not mine I never imagined infantilisation could occur to me, as an adult or that it existed The world I once knew in seconds was taken away from me, without my permission There I stood in the front living room, as the news circulated of a tragic event. As soon as I was exposed to the news, the world I once knew circled in a twister like shape away from me I was dazed and trapped in present time, as I watched it (my world) twirl away from me My body was transfixed, for I had no will. I had no will in me to hang onto this present world I watched it go. Even if I had chosen to hang onto it, it would have had no meaning and would be meaningless I crept through a dreamlike world Not sure whether I liked it or not I didn't question it Althought it was sunny it looked and felt bitter I felt cheated, I felt at least in this dreamlike world I could hide and become invisible Invisible I become so easily I embraced the dark force My blanket and curtains represented my new world Darkness became a friend to me My sofa cradled and rocked me to sleep The TV played junk tunes full of laughter and sorrow. These tunes, sounds and noises in the background became my lullaby and pacifier Tissues became a way for me to expel and cleanse a little of the darkness away; so that I had breathing space and a dose of reality once in a while Darkness embraced me I mated and lay with it day in, day out I did not wish it away I chose to be lost in this world I, I did want to feel this present world or the love in it I wanted to feel deep sorrow beyond my control The deeper I got, I feared it not, rather I embraced it I wanted the torture to remain For how could I live in a world which resembled happiness My happiness had been taken away from me in seconds In a second I had lost all choice, No one came at my door to ask for my permission Why or why would I Willingly be happy for my happiness to be stolen from me So yes, HELL yes I embraced you, my dark force-GRIEF

Mr Grey Where Are You.......???

“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.” ― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey I am on the 5th or 6th book of 50 Shades of Grey type of book It has become an unexpected venture, a road not travelled before. Nor a world known to exist before. There is something in it, about me. the I , the woman in me wanting this powerful man to exist out there. For the time being delving in realms of surrealist literary romantic heroes seems to do the trick If only multiple male type of Mr Grey's existed right? And one crossed paths with them on the street as a daily added dose of pleasure Mr Grey more than the sexualisation of it all is about the man, the beast: ) The man who knows himself and is confident The man who is not a time waster and knows what he wants in life The man knows how to respect and treat a woman The books' had to written for a reason, we 'ladies' are in the search for a driven man, well determined and a sexualised man I am a driven career woman who works too darn hard for time wastage. So yes a man who could sweep me off my feet will do thank you, should be an easy task right? I can only imagine Mr Greys existence. More than the sexualisation of it all, its about being pampered as a lady should be It's about the creativity of the man, more that his net-worth Does money matter, yes on some level it does. It matters on the level that the man is able to actualise his dreams Moreover he is able to actualise being there for the other (me). It matters on the level that the man comes with some level of class and is able to deliver and supersedes the etiquette levels of being in life Yes it matters, and as much as I want to a career driven woman, I want to be taken care off and adored and adorned by man I am assured that Mr Grey may be not a perfect man and has his faults, yet on another level there is the assurance that I will be well looked after Ah, how I dream of that strong powerful image minus the arrogance thank you It's not about the Chelsea or Mayfair status. It's about being educated to a higher degree including the hard knocks of life to a higher status of being a key driver in life. That in itself is sexy So I continue to search for Mr Grey in a surrealist painted picture If you exist do give me a call. Only before you give me a call, do bear in mind that I am not built like barbie and will never be Bear in mind that I too have a mind and a level of intellect Bear in mind that I work hard and earn a living Bear in mind that I am unique and come with great qualities, starting off with my personality Bear in mind when you have truly discovered me, I will be yours for life I will be true and honest and treat you life a king you deserve to be and you will reciprocate by treating me like a Queen I deserve to be Bear in mind that just because I am an achiever in life that does not make it easy for you to relax and not pamper me, or take care of me Lastly bear in mind that I may just be an alternative version you Mr Grey. Mrs Grey "with 50 Shades of Wonderfulness"

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black

Ballerina Girl Dressed in Black So broad your stature Self determination expressed in your faultless latitude Statuesque like Cleopatra A world ahead stretched and expressed by your outstretched arm Balanced on your tippy toes, reaching out to the world yet unknown Known for owning a beauty and talent yet unshelled Unknown to her, her stage faltered and shuttered to no ends beyond her control But yet still she continued to love with all her angelic might and spirit Yes she loved with absurdness beyond her control Little did she know the more she loved, her ballerina world could no longer hung on Her feet with all her might and angst dug deep into the dark bruised dirty world Her dress no longer pink became blackened by the dirty and cruel bedevilled world Her hands scrapped and bled unwillingly letting go off purity, as she sunk deep beyond her control Her life and love for dance got lost and became soulless entrenched in the darkness of life Little did she know she had the choice and willing-fullness to exert herself beyond it all, to still be HER Yes she still could be SELF after falling deep into darkness She still had control to not let "HERSELF", the "I" go Her ballerina shoes could still help her tip toe out of darkness Ballerina girl I echoed beyond the darkness; "Your feet can still move, so let your foot prints pave their way back into life Scrape through and beyond those cold cobbled streets and dance again Ballerina girl dance like you still have control and Exert yourself for your presence to be known yet again Stretch those long arms and spin with force beyond your control Ballerina girl spin and spin back into "your" and "our" world again I see YOU once more again Ballerina girl dressed in pink" . . . no longer blackened and darkened by despair