I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral

I went to see you for myself in order to believe that your physical being had departed

I dressed for you, in mourners’ clothes and according to set customs

I arrived and was assessed as a foreigner by the crowd

Amongst the crowd I was one of the few who could call you my closest bloodline

I arrived just in time to see you

I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral but the funeral was not yours

I plucked the courage to see you laid in the coffin, dressed in your best suit

I willed by legs and balanced my shaking body to have the strength to walk towards you

Although it was sunny outside, you lay in a cold and dark room

There were people in the room, sat on the floor surrounding you

I did not see them; to me they were a blur behind my tears

I felt like an intruder as I walked in a procession of a line of your close descendants to see you

I felt cheated that we did not have this private moment, only you with us

We were meant to have these private few minutes with you to say goodbye

I walked close to you and feared looking straight at you

I knelt down beside you and held your coffin

I attempted to touch your face through the glass you were encased in

I forced myself to look at you, for I had to make this surreal dream real

I had to look at you, in order to believe you had truly departed from this earth

I looked at you and felt a cold chill, I could not look at you longer than a second

Each of the several times I looked at you I did not see you

It’s as though, I felt if I looked harder I could see you

If I looked harder I could feel you, and accept that you had departed

The person resembled you

How could they encase you in glass, thereby leaving no room for me to leave any memorabilia next to you?

How could you depart from this earth, without a little piece of me?

How could you depart this world without me actually touching your hand?

How could you be so encased in such a small space?

How could this be you?

Where was your peaceful sleeping face?

Even in sleep when alive, you looked at peace.

This whole place did not have a feel of you

We walked to your burial site

We trended along, amongst a crowd and got lost within it

Everyone there had their own personal goodbye to say, or were just there to just be

I went to a funeral

I went to a funeral but the funeral was not yours

There were many people there, many people who praised you and admired you

They said all they had to say about you

Our words got lost

They told us about how great you were, including all your achievements

We were meant to say our last words to you

Our words got lost

We were meant to stay behind with you for a while, without anyone else there

I went to a funeral, but the funeral was not yours

I landed with a heavy heart and left with an even heavier heart

For how could I touch down without you being there to greet me with your smile and warmth?

How could I depart without you being there to say goodbye

How could I leave knowing you lay somewhere so far away?

How can I make this all real?

Even till today, following your funeral I cannot let you go yet

I cannot bring myself to say the words which are instantaneously said by many

I am not ready to let you go

How can I be ready to ready to let you go?

I feel you in my awaken state and in sleep

I awake with deep sorrow and remain in a surrealist daze

The sorrow is a constant reminder that you have departed

It is a reminder that you are dead

I see you only through memories, mostly memories of childhood

You smile and laughter carried me through tough times, now it appears that’s fading in the background and the sorrow is surfacing

We were meant to ..............................

We were meant to .................................

You definitely have proven that you are not infinite that even you can die and leave this earth

You definitely chose a quick exit which left us with no room for me say the final goodbye

I wish your last moments were of peace

I hope you found peace in the end

I hope that you are now at peace

As your daughter, I remain selfish and cannot let you go yet.

How can a daughter let her FATHER go?

I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD

I am overwhelmed physically and emotionally, so much so that I have lost the freedom of expression.

I have lost my speech, so much so that I cannot vocalise the erupting volatility of my inner turmoil

My throat is forever soar with the pain you have inflicted like a disease

My physical being and energy of what my vessel represents is lost

Every fibre of my being aches

 I am existing among many only a few see the real me

If you look close and deep in my eyes, you will see my soul is no longer there

My capsule is closed to the world, with little room for visitors

I  have become a slave to you; my inner turmoil

I feel you slowly erupting, but do not feel safe or ready to unleash you

Even though I have evacuated all potential victims to avoid them being inflicted, I alone am not confident to unleash you

I am vulnerable; you have shaken my every sense of being

As I can’t handle you, so I abuse myself subtly in various forms. For instance, I sit all day and do nothing apart from watching my youthful body decay. I, I have found comfort in nursing my pain by numbing it with false substances

In those moments when I am still and numb, I feel you slowly easing your grip from me. I become elated.  I feel you fade in the back ground; although I know you are near and will resurface again; just as soon as I’ve been cleansed from pretentious highs

Days and days go by which appear quiet the same

In the midst of it all, I am hanging on tightly to the self destruct button

The rebel in me is ready to press the button, because I no longer want to feel. I want to unleash you onto me and any other unforeseen victim.

The sane me wants to feel ride this insane roller coaster till the end. The inner pride in me tells me you cannot defeat me

How do I describe you or name you to the world?

You are GRIEF

I did not invite you but you came anyway

You shaken my world to unimaginable levels of emotional and physical intensity

Never did I imagine that you would shake the inner physicality of me, to this extent.

You have stunted my external being; everything real in life has become false and more visible

You have slowed my participation in life, so much so am no longer enthusiastic or an active player in it

I know your purpose for being and affecting me so

You want me to feel you deeply

You want me to express myself freely

Sadly I have forgotten how to CRY out LOUD and express myself freely

So you and I may be bound together for a long while yet

I do not know whether I have strength in me to overcome you

In the end I want me