Tuesday, 15 March 2016

This Thing Called Fi-bro-my-algia

Last week the name Fibromyalgia, or its definition did not exist in my everyday language or vocabulary.

Sure I heard the word before, I knew it was a condition of some sort. I never bothered to look into, because it was just one of those news words I heard at the time and thought how interesting but was never curious enough to search further to find out what it actually meant.

Let’s rewind the clock back to about three years ago

Three years ago, I had ‘symptoms’ what could be classed as generalised symptoms without any concrete, or tangible  foundations. At first, for all I knew it could have been Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), or the ‘getting older syndrome much more sensitive to the cold and more tired than usual syndrome.’

No that was not it.

Goodness I was still young. I knew something was changing. At first I brushed the symptoms off as something that would soon wear off

Then it was the countless and endlessness trips to the GP Surgery- where my appointments became let’s figure out the next missing piece to this jigsaw puzzle

Then I progressed to the stage of becoming my own, ‘specialist Dr,’ for who could understand me, or know me better than myself? I had to take control, and stop feeling vulnerable at the hands of the medical professionals. I had to equip myself with knowledge that made feel empowered enough to articulate what I was feeling. I had to stop this foreign language with Dr's, for this cross purpose dialogue was not getting us anywhere- ‘mind you, we were speaking the same national language’ English.

Then it was onto the recruitment my own Specialist Dr's phase. Lucky me, I soon discovered that each Dr only focused on assessing different functions of the body. Eye's wide open, I learnt there was no single medical professional yet, who could piece all the broken pieces of me together back again. Mon Deau

So it was either the Arthritis, Gluten Intolerance, Thyroid suspected problems, or something Autoimmune related.  All diagnosed and assessed separately.

Moving onto the next stage, it even get's better. It was the, wait a minute stage, “all your blood tests are normal”- so everything must be okay with you. So if everything is okay with you, ‘say’s one medical professional indirectly pointing towards my head.’ Never felt so insulted in my life, “so it must be my imagination, or that my head is not okay, or are you trying to imply that I have a mental health condition?  Nothing wrong being assessed as having a mental health condition, but this is not what I am have spent nearly 30mins of my time describing to you…

You will excuse me, for a second. I may just need to take a minute to scream, yell out my frustrations and anger. Breathe and relax and exhale. For I could possibly not do so and 'act out of character.’ I would only be defeating my own solo-cause and be pulled out in a stray jacket.

Fast forward to today, to this exact moment.  I almost want to wear a bright sign, or a t-shirt with a bright red label to my next GP appointment which says, ‘TOLD YOU SO.’ Off course I would not so... I am better than that. Instead, I decided to take control and now I am seeing a GP who actually listens… Thank you

So let’s rewind back again to last week…

So last week Fi-bro-my-algia, Fibromyalgia now I can pronounce the name fully and even spell it. Fibromyalgia has became my daily vocabulary following medicals tests, after watching countless you-tube videos and undertaking google searches to learn what this condition was all about.

As I entered the hospital little did I know that I would soon be planted with a scarlet letter. I was given a number, told to walk through multiple doors to the Rheumatology unit. For some reason it was coloured coded yellow, whether that means anything or not – who knows? Only my wondering thoughts at the time, as I walked the green mile down the endless corridor   

As soon as entered through the doors with the number and colour code, I knew this was my final destination. There was a box in front of me, in which I was to throw my number, mixed in with the rest of the patient’s numbers in the waiting room.

I wondered how the medical professionals would be able to identify my number if we were all given the number (1) and same colour code. It downed on me, we were all there with pre-determined and similar medical assessments. The only things that distinguished us all, was that we were called out by the nurse-one by one by our individual names…

As I sat down and looked around me, everyone else looked much older than me. ‘I shouldn’t be here, not yet, everyone else looks so much older than me.’ ---thoughts running through my mind yet again. Well guess what there is no number, or age to distinguish, or exempt anyone from this condition. 

Another layer of reality kicked in with a dose of a bitter pill  

The ‘Medical Specialist’ completed his pain assessments tests by the book. First came out the all familiar words again, ‘your blood tests results appear to be normal with a few minor concerns.’ My heart nearly sunk again, for which other specialist medical professional would I need to search for?

Only this time around it was a different outcome. Turns out, I have Fibromyalgia, I passed all the pain point’s tests; according to the specialist and the patient brochure I was handed- all the 18-20 points on my body ached. I ached where I didn’t even know the pain existed before.

I feel like I should get a medal, or something for passing this test- Unfortunately not the case.

So now I have a name to the endless, countless painful, soul and physically destroying symptoms

So now I have a name … do I feel better? Is my nightmare over?  

I now have a name and my reality is now only sinking in

I am told there is definitely no magic cure, the only treatment is pain relief plus the added extra recommendations to ease the symptoms

Knowing me I will trying almost everything natural and organic for this thing must have stemmed from somewhere in the first place right? Just as it came it will soon disappear with the right treatment right?  

Don’t worry the denial part or phase has already passed

Now it is the taking it all in phase- the condition/syndrome digesting it, day by day and maximising each opportunity and being thankful for what I have got phase- (although I hope it is a forever lasting phase)

Why thankful – I should be screaming, yelling, pulling my hair out, crying countless tears of ‘the why me phase’

Don’t’ worry after all, I am a human being – to not feel any emotion at all is not living in the true sense…

Why thankful- the condition itself is all those turbulent emotions wrapped into one. It (the condition) speaks high volumes on it’s on. When its at its best (or what I call beast mode- pardon my sense of humour), ‘the chronic stage’ – its angry rage already does all those things (unravels all it raging emotions), without me needing to be an active participant.  All my freedom and liberties of expressions are taken away- I am bound by the beast until it subsides again

Thankful because today is a good day – thankful for I am learning to store my energy for today for a rainy.

Thankful even though the challenges and loss of certain abilities that I can still articulate my feelings, walk, write, manage to eat, do everything else even if it’s achieved in small stages  

Thankful for I have been able to stop and stay still from all the madness and crazy busyness of this word – of being wrapped up in the nothingness of it all and to actually appreciate each day

Thankful for I have learnt to be patient and to break down my goals into a few manageable minutes- routine has become my habit which when I had the capability to do I did not utilise

Thank for I allow myself to be and ride through the motions and allow myself to stop.

Are there some days where I feel like kicking and screaming, hell yes... I am only human right? Thankful for that too; ) Only better to focus my brain and in making myself "Limitless," like Matt Lloyd. After-all now I have the time to focus on myself right? 

Moral of this Real Narrative? 

Value what you have today, take it all in, use 'it' (you) to the best of your abilities. Achieve something meaningful enough each day, but not to the detriment of losing yourself completely.  Later is procrastination and tomorrow never comes...  



Friday, 11 March 2016

Fear of Success

Fear of Success what does it feel like?


It feels like an uncomfortable gut feeling - a queasy type of feeling, anxiety ridden feeling, which can make you feel like your stomach is churning uncontrollably. 


It is like that feeling of being on a roller coaster; before it is about to drop off into oblivion. You close your eyes  and hope only for it not to be a crush landing just before you jump into nothingness


It is this feeling of like a huge bubble is going to burst, but you do not want it to burst just yet -not now and not in front of everyone. You wonder what if everyone notices, how embarrassing it would be.


 Is it the fear of others seeing and knowing; knowing only you, as you truly are and were meant to be. 


It is the fear of what could be, all the possibilities you have dreamt of 


The potential to be great, the 'free lifestyle' that you secretly crave, because you know you were meant to be so much more. You secretly know that you could contribute so much more in this world 


It is the overwhelming fear of letting go, off the 'false sense of security' you have been holding onto for a long long time. Only you and I know that the 'your false sense of security,' does not fulfil you and only makes you miserable 


 It is the overwhelming fear of 'what if it actually happens,' the what if 'I actually succeed,' then what?


Just the thought of visualising success brings a sense of overwhelming fear


Fear of success ....


It is the endless doubts of oneself, the what if 'I am not good enough,' 


It is the the endless questioning of oneself, the 'it is only me, who in the world would want to see, hear or listen to me'? 


Overcoming the fear, self-doubts is like climbing Mount Everest and never getting to the peak, each time you climb halfway and end up back at the bottom




It is only when you finally reach the peak after overcoming all the obstacles of YOU, that you realise 'what the heck was I worried about after-all.' This is the stage of being on a Healthier High of 'I No Longer Care Cure'

When you finally reach the peak, you have reached the stage of embracing you and accepting you, for just being you. You reach the stage of valuing you with extra confidence that YES there are individuals out there (even if it's 1 or 2 and not millions) who truly value the message and skills you have to share


Once you cross the 'OTHER SIDE,' of FEAR you realise that your fear was only imaginary 


You realise that the FEAR, only kept you away from you. Kept you away from maximising your true potential 


You realise, 'your false sense of security,' was after-all ridiculous and absurd. That is the absurdity of life


In the words of  Albert Camus, "Life is Absurd, Rebel, Live, and Try To Die Happy" 


WELCOME  to the world of the NEW YOU - that means you have crossed over that peak. Now you know what it feels like and there is NO STOPPING YOU and even better no looking back. 

If you have not crossed over yet to the new you- WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?


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"Let's Mastermind on Mind Over Matter"